03-18-2014, 06:12 AM
Hi Madison and John. Great crits both, lots of good point that shall be put to use.
John- To the ray scattering image: this poem went through a long period of editing (by my standards). Somewhere in the middle I noticed that the leaves actually block the rays. Eventually I let it slide; it sort of works thinking of the light as particles, scattering off leaves (although that's incorrect). But yes... unintended ambiguity. You make a good point with "recline", I'll have to look up the usage. I do see that, for example, in miming catch with a dead uncle, the narrator is already showing his 'disconnect' in S1. I did want to show the narrator depressed in S2, but I take your overall point (and Madison's) about the telling. Ugh, spelling will be my undoing eventually...
Madison- I might need some more unconvincing with the first line. I take the point with much of the telling in the rest, but I still like starting with the exclamation. Although, I did something similar in another poem, and was met with the same criticism. One day, I'll be convinced out of it. I agree with the punctuation remarks of S1; didn't really know how to fix that. Bandy can be a verb, meaning "to exchange quips, especially in rapid succession" (my Webster dictionary). Although my original intent was more along the lines of "chatty", which is the impression I had of "bandy" from a poem I read a few years ago (the name of which I can't remember). Good catch with the tense change, I'm still getting used to picking those out.
Gracias again.
John- To the ray scattering image: this poem went through a long period of editing (by my standards). Somewhere in the middle I noticed that the leaves actually block the rays. Eventually I let it slide; it sort of works thinking of the light as particles, scattering off leaves (although that's incorrect). But yes... unintended ambiguity. You make a good point with "recline", I'll have to look up the usage. I do see that, for example, in miming catch with a dead uncle, the narrator is already showing his 'disconnect' in S1. I did want to show the narrator depressed in S2, but I take your overall point (and Madison's) about the telling. Ugh, spelling will be my undoing eventually...
Madison- I might need some more unconvincing with the first line. I take the point with much of the telling in the rest, but I still like starting with the exclamation. Although, I did something similar in another poem, and was met with the same criticism. One day, I'll be convinced out of it. I agree with the punctuation remarks of S1; didn't really know how to fix that. Bandy can be a verb, meaning "to exchange quips, especially in rapid succession" (my Webster dictionary). Although my original intent was more along the lines of "chatty", which is the impression I had of "bandy" from a poem I read a few years ago (the name of which I can't remember). Good catch with the tense change, I'm still getting used to picking those out.
Gracias again.