03-17-2014, 08:27 AM
Thanks, folks. I've edited and will continue to work on the more problematic parts as I pare it down.
tectak:
I used the single quote to denote that it's a colloquial usage, I suppose?
Added punctuation as suggested.. however, all poetry does not necessitate punctuation. First person 'I' and personification at the beginning probably make it too confusing without it, as you said.
I worked on removing the extraneous conjunctions.
"Somehow? How? Oh, IT is like monsters? Read aloud what you have written to catch these little errors." - I'm not sure what you mean by this.
I'm pretty sure what I'm referring to as 'mine' is clearly fear. "How long ago did the fear leave you? The strength of mine reaches across miles"
I put golden in single quotes to let the reader know that it was a sarcastic/satirical usage.
Awkward syntax on tightly clenched fists etc - Will rework this on the next edit, perhaps.. I don't think it came across as intended.
"No. You are weakening your whole ethos with too many conjunctions. It is now irritating . Stop. Get your thoughts into stanzas. Short stanzas preferably...they are short thoughts. Nothing wrong with that. " Do you mean stanzas, or lines? I do think a stanza can have more than one thought...
"People with unfeeling consciences: Ask yourself...what does this mean? Then tell me" Think a little. This line is certainly not the most abstract in this poem. Regardless, I took out that bit.
jeremyyoung:
I literally have no idea what most of your comment means. I assume my poem leaves you wanting when it comes to clear meaning.. I think. Please elaborate on your thoughts on my sentence construction and possible improvements.
P&P:
Agreed, the personification is not as effective as desired. I'll keep trying to figure out how to begin.
Hopefully fixed the redundancy of the first two lines of the 2nd stanza.
I thought the image of taking pills would be clear when combined with the repetition of sadness, but I'll work on that. Clearly the number of 26 is throwing people off.
Wheel away does evoke elderly connotations, point taken. I've changed that.
"Consider ending without referring back to the narrator. Just a final a metaphore would do fine." - I'm not sure what you're saying in the last bit.
tectak:
I used the single quote to denote that it's a colloquial usage, I suppose?
Added punctuation as suggested.. however, all poetry does not necessitate punctuation. First person 'I' and personification at the beginning probably make it too confusing without it, as you said.
I worked on removing the extraneous conjunctions.
"Somehow? How? Oh, IT is like monsters? Read aloud what you have written to catch these little errors." - I'm not sure what you mean by this.
I'm pretty sure what I'm referring to as 'mine' is clearly fear. "How long ago did the fear leave you? The strength of mine reaches across miles"
I put golden in single quotes to let the reader know that it was a sarcastic/satirical usage.
Awkward syntax on tightly clenched fists etc - Will rework this on the next edit, perhaps.. I don't think it came across as intended.
"No. You are weakening your whole ethos with too many conjunctions. It is now irritating . Stop. Get your thoughts into stanzas. Short stanzas preferably...they are short thoughts. Nothing wrong with that. " Do you mean stanzas, or lines? I do think a stanza can have more than one thought...
"People with unfeeling consciences: Ask yourself...what does this mean? Then tell me" Think a little. This line is certainly not the most abstract in this poem. Regardless, I took out that bit.
jeremyyoung:
I literally have no idea what most of your comment means. I assume my poem leaves you wanting when it comes to clear meaning.. I think. Please elaborate on your thoughts on my sentence construction and possible improvements.
P&P:
Agreed, the personification is not as effective as desired. I'll keep trying to figure out how to begin.
Hopefully fixed the redundancy of the first two lines of the 2nd stanza.
I thought the image of taking pills would be clear when combined with the repetition of sadness, but I'll work on that. Clearly the number of 26 is throwing people off.
Wheel away does evoke elderly connotations, point taken. I've changed that.
"Consider ending without referring back to the narrator. Just a final a metaphore would do fine." - I'm not sure what you're saying in the last bit.