03-15-2014, 07:21 AM
Currently I am wearing a sandwich board with the slogan 'the end of I'.
I would switch the first line to 'in amber, entombed' to make use of the upbeat of 'in amber' - entombed is too ominous, and has a falling inflection.
Instead of 'I sit', I would draw an image - 'a paperweight on a shelf', 'a carved angel on a shelf' or whatever
'Novel' is a good word, 'finds' less so - maybe 'among her novels' or 'among her novelties'?
I'm not sure it needs the word 'displayed', or 'or', a simple list would be just as good, 'a trophy, a curiousity, a whimsical aside.' gives a nice narrative of you fall from favour, and brings out the pathos of whimsy.
'I recall' whilst conversational, and offering a way into the stanza is *points at sandwich board* 'gilded epochs' is so nice ( neat and precise not in the kitschy sense) - and 'gilded epochs/awash in concert/navigating clement seas'? has this lovely harmonious musical quality, of swimming together, making plans etc... you don't need to recall it for us, you have shown us.
'but', why not 'yet' or 'yon' - see the reverse of my sandwich board for the campaign to bring back yonder - not here, not there, yonder - or just 'now I lie'.
'in a trilobite cast' make it sound like you have had spinal surgery - 'now I lay/trilobite cast/a limestone' etc?.
If you want to keep the last line, removing the 'I' and changing to 'has' might be better.
Part of my thinks, that if you pair the verse down, you will find space for an extra line, or two, about the process and pressures of how you were transformed to the negative. So it isn't, we were happy swimming about and now I'm a fossil - you could use a metaphor like the meteor strike of an affair, or the changing oxygen level of the ocean brought on by career, something that ties into the amber, and builds on it. And, it doesn't have to be something as cliched as the examples I gave, relationships ossify for all kinds of strange reasons.
It's sort of like you are an estate agent showing us round the poem. And pointing out objects of interest. Each of these objects is a poem in themselves, that link together to form a much larger whole.
The other opportunity you are missing is in the scientific language.
I apologise if this comes across as less than encouraging, I know I only covered half the poem, but I don't like rewriting other peoples work, and, well... never mind.... The poem as it stands is fine - it neatly encapsulates the immobility of collections, and this dead/dying relationship. But it could be so much more if you just gave it more breath, and allowed the objects to tell their story.
I would switch the first line to 'in amber, entombed' to make use of the upbeat of 'in amber' - entombed is too ominous, and has a falling inflection.
Instead of 'I sit', I would draw an image - 'a paperweight on a shelf', 'a carved angel on a shelf' or whatever
'Novel' is a good word, 'finds' less so - maybe 'among her novels' or 'among her novelties'?
I'm not sure it needs the word 'displayed', or 'or', a simple list would be just as good, 'a trophy, a curiousity, a whimsical aside.' gives a nice narrative of you fall from favour, and brings out the pathos of whimsy.
'I recall' whilst conversational, and offering a way into the stanza is *points at sandwich board* 'gilded epochs' is so nice ( neat and precise not in the kitschy sense) - and 'gilded epochs/awash in concert/navigating clement seas'? has this lovely harmonious musical quality, of swimming together, making plans etc... you don't need to recall it for us, you have shown us.
'but', why not 'yet' or 'yon' - see the reverse of my sandwich board for the campaign to bring back yonder - not here, not there, yonder - or just 'now I lie'.
'in a trilobite cast' make it sound like you have had spinal surgery - 'now I lay/trilobite cast/a limestone' etc?.
If you want to keep the last line, removing the 'I' and changing to 'has' might be better.
Part of my thinks, that if you pair the verse down, you will find space for an extra line, or two, about the process and pressures of how you were transformed to the negative. So it isn't, we were happy swimming about and now I'm a fossil - you could use a metaphor like the meteor strike of an affair, or the changing oxygen level of the ocean brought on by career, something that ties into the amber, and builds on it. And, it doesn't have to be something as cliched as the examples I gave, relationships ossify for all kinds of strange reasons.
It's sort of like you are an estate agent showing us round the poem. And pointing out objects of interest. Each of these objects is a poem in themselves, that link together to form a much larger whole.
The other opportunity you are missing is in the scientific language.
I apologise if this comes across as less than encouraging, I know I only covered half the poem, but I don't like rewriting other peoples work, and, well... never mind.... The poem as it stands is fine - it neatly encapsulates the immobility of collections, and this dead/dying relationship. But it could be so much more if you just gave it more breath, and allowed the objects to tell their story.