03-14-2014, 12:57 AM
When an employee asks about bereavement
removing the splintered wedge under the door
and sitting before the computer stands by
the radio puts down its saxophone for the news.
A family member has died. She is
hoping to travel back a few days
to settle the house and service.
When an employee asks about bereavement,
the foreigner with a familiar face,
it sends the mind bumbling down cobble stones
since paved over, to a church;
lifting a casket, handles gnawing
grooves into a younger palm,
surrendering the shuttered shell
to the arms of a hearse
before returning to the question.
When an employee asks about bereavement,
the first response is this breath of memory,
inhaled and quiet like a candle
spent after the hum of a heater is heard
again within a waking house.
Then a manual is grabbed from a top shelf
and a distant page is found, already
sterilized and prepared to be shared.
[/quote]
Geoff, You use an intriguing device, inserting the employee inquiry into company bereavement leave policy through the poem. It creates an unsettling disorientation that would befall a loved one suddenly burdened with the emotional loss, arrangements responsibility and taking leave from work. By the way, I don't think you need bereavement in the title, it may be a a redundant spoiler for your repeats. Company manual, policy or something akin would suffice. Back to your repeat, you may want to delay the deployment in the first stanza. Shouldn't the news of the death come first (not that the time line has to be sequential)? In that first stanza, I found myself confused, but that could be your design: ...bereavement/...door and employee sits by the computer/stands by/radio puts down sax for news (which, I love). I think it might just be a matter of commas between the slashes for me. The remainder reads good. However, the 'and prepared to be shared.' closing seems off (is it the rhyme?). Maybe something like sterilized for the next employee or inquiry. Hopefully, this helps with your next edit. Thanks for sharing your work./Chris
removing the splintered wedge under the door
and sitting before the computer stands by
the radio puts down its saxophone for the news.
A family member has died. She is
hoping to travel back a few days
to settle the house and service.
When an employee asks about bereavement,
the foreigner with a familiar face,
it sends the mind bumbling down cobble stones
since paved over, to a church;
lifting a casket, handles gnawing
grooves into a younger palm,
surrendering the shuttered shell
to the arms of a hearse
before returning to the question.
When an employee asks about bereavement,
the first response is this breath of memory,
inhaled and quiet like a candle
spent after the hum of a heater is heard
again within a waking house.
Then a manual is grabbed from a top shelf
and a distant page is found, already
sterilized and prepared to be shared.
[/quote]
Geoff, You use an intriguing device, inserting the employee inquiry into company bereavement leave policy through the poem. It creates an unsettling disorientation that would befall a loved one suddenly burdened with the emotional loss, arrangements responsibility and taking leave from work. By the way, I don't think you need bereavement in the title, it may be a a redundant spoiler for your repeats. Company manual, policy or something akin would suffice. Back to your repeat, you may want to delay the deployment in the first stanza. Shouldn't the news of the death come first (not that the time line has to be sequential)? In that first stanza, I found myself confused, but that could be your design: ...bereavement/...door and employee sits by the computer/stands by/radio puts down sax for news (which, I love). I think it might just be a matter of commas between the slashes for me. The remainder reads good. However, the 'and prepared to be shared.' closing seems off (is it the rhyme?). Maybe something like sterilized for the next employee or inquiry. Hopefully, this helps with your next edit. Thanks for sharing your work./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris