03-13-2014, 01:58 PM
(03-13-2014, 11:48 AM)geoff Wrote: When an employee asks about bereavementIt seems you want to avoid punctuation here or at least substitute line breaks for punctuation. It isn't quite working. Maybe at least a dash after bereavement. Also, the break on "by" really doesn't work IMO. The expression "sitting before the computer stands" creates a strange comical bathos. Have you considered replacing your participle phrases throughout here with active verbs?
removing the splintered wedge under the door
and sitting before the computer stands by
Quote:the radio puts down its saxophone for the news.there is a grammar problem in the sentence, " . . . before the computer stands by the radio puts down its saxophone for the news" that I found quite disruptive. Instead of "She is hoping . . " did you consider "She hopes . ." with the line break on "hopes"? "Is" is a particularly bad line break.
A family member has died. She is
hoping to travel back a few days
Quote:to settle the house and service.grammatically, your commas delineate "the foreigner with a familiar face" as a subjugate clause of "bereavement" but I think you mean for it to be of "an employee", no?
When an employee asks about bereavement,
the foreigner with a familiar face,
Quote:it sends the mind bumbling down cobble stones"it" has an indefinite antecedent. What is lifting the casket here, the church? the mind? Could it be rearranged to state "lifts a casket" "handles gnaw" to get rid of some of the participles that seem to be over running here?
since paved over, to a church;
lifting a casket, handles gnawing
Quote:grooves into a younger palm,You could switch to "surrender" as well. "Shuttered shell" is some rather unpleasant alliteration. As well, I think "shell" gives us shuttered so you may not need both anyway.
surrendering the shuttered shell
to the arms of a hearse
Quote:before returning to the question.do you need inhaled? Also, "this" makes me think which?
When an employee asks about bereavement,
the first response is this breath of memory,
inhaled and quiet like a candle
Quote:spent after the hum of a heater is heard
the alliteration is particularly intrusive and unpleasant here
Quote:again within a waking house.
Then a manual is grabbed from a top shelf
and a distant page is found, already
sterilized and prepared to be shared.
"distant" seem the wrong adjective. Do you need "then"?
Overall, I liked the concept, thanks for the enjoyable read, I hope you find some of this useful.

