Policy
#3
(03-13-2014, 11:48 AM)geoff Wrote:  When an employee asks about bereavement
removing the splintered wedge under the door
and sitting before the computer stands by
It seems you want to avoid punctuation here or at least substitute line breaks for punctuation. It isn't quite working. Maybe at least a dash after bereavement. Also, the break on "by" really doesn't work IMO. The expression "sitting before the computer stands" creates a strange comical bathos. Have you considered replacing your participle phrases throughout here with active verbs?

Quote:the radio puts down its saxophone for the news.
A family member has died. She is
hoping to travel back a few days
there is a grammar problem in the sentence, " . . . before the computer stands by the radio puts down its saxophone for the news" that I found quite disruptive. Instead of "She is hoping . . " did you consider "She hopes . ." with the line break on "hopes"? "Is" is a particularly bad line break.

Quote:to settle the house and service.
When an employee asks about bereavement,
the foreigner with a familiar face,
grammatically, your commas delineate "the foreigner with a familiar face" as a subjugate clause of "bereavement" but I think you mean for it to be of "an employee", no?
Quote:it sends the mind bumbling down cobble stones
since paved over, to a church;
lifting a casket, handles gnawing
"it" has an indefinite antecedent. What is lifting the casket here, the church? the mind? Could it be rearranged to state "lifts a casket" "handles gnaw" to get rid of some of the participles that seem to be over running here?

Quote:grooves into a younger palm,
surrendering the shuttered shell
to the arms of a hearse
You could switch to "surrender" as well. "Shuttered shell" is some rather unpleasant alliteration. As well, I think "shell" gives us shuttered so you may not need both anyway.

Quote:before returning to the question.
When an employee asks about bereavement,
the first response is this breath of memory,

inhaled and quiet like a candle
do you need inhaled? Also, "this" makes me think which?

Quote:spent after the hum of a heater is heard

the alliteration is particularly intrusive and unpleasant here

Quote:again within a waking house.

Then a manual is grabbed from a top shelf
and a distant page is found, already
sterilized and prepared to be shared.

"distant" seem the wrong adjective. Do you need "then"?

Overall, I liked the concept, thanks for the enjoyable read, I hope you find some of this useful.
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Messages In This Thread
Policy - by geoff - 03-13-2014, 11:48 AM
RE: bereavement policy - by tomoffing - 03-13-2014, 12:33 PM
RE: bereavement policy - by milo - 03-13-2014, 01:58 PM
RE: bereavement policy - by jeremyyoung - 03-13-2014, 09:35 PM
RE: bereavement policy - by ChristopherSea - 03-14-2014, 12:57 AM
RE: bereavement policy - by tectak - 03-14-2014, 03:13 AM
RE: bereavement policy - by abu nuwas - 03-14-2014, 06:42 AM
RE: bereavement policy - by geoff - 03-14-2014, 10:44 AM
RE: Policy - by trueenigma - 03-14-2014, 12:23 PM
RE: Policy - by jeremyyoung - 03-15-2014, 03:32 AM



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