03-12-2014, 06:54 PM
Hello Rocky,
Focus on rhyme may have sacrificed content. The lesson herein is spelled out in a narrative form reminiscent of a proverb or a Aesop's fable without the anthropomorphic animals, but perhaps that would be a more interesting treatment for your rewrite. There are quite a few 'I said' and 'she said' and the like, along with numerous 'quotes' which are rather distracting. Pain, Fear and Death are really blank characters along that road to the house (life's path) that need to be developed. This line was a favorite, 'steal the warmth inside our chests.' However, how does fear steal that warmth?
Welcome to the site and all the best with you next edit./Chris
Focus on rhyme may have sacrificed content. The lesson herein is spelled out in a narrative form reminiscent of a proverb or a Aesop's fable without the anthropomorphic animals, but perhaps that would be a more interesting treatment for your rewrite. There are quite a few 'I said' and 'she said' and the like, along with numerous 'quotes' which are rather distracting. Pain, Fear and Death are really blank characters along that road to the house (life's path) that need to be developed. This line was a favorite, 'steal the warmth inside our chests.' However, how does fear steal that warmth?
Welcome to the site and all the best with you next edit./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris