03-11-2014, 03:16 PM
@ jeremyyoung Thnx for reading/replying
I cant find the poem you referenced online, but I haven't looked maybe as long as I could..
I guess the idea with heat was that the conversation was warm hence embers at first, so the lack of conversation would kind of be like the sensation of walking away from a campfire on chilly night or I guess in this case smothering the fire??? I see where they could also be unnecessary though, and probably a bit ambiguous. That and it may not necessarily sit well with driving. Initially I was thinking about the sun set.
I think the change you recommended is goood. The dnd bit made mye giggle a lil bit. I made a DnD comparision when critiquing some ones poem last week... I like the image I had when I thought of the line but I wasn't thinking of a demon > . < so i'll experiment some more with other words I don't want a demon.
@71degrees Alright THnx, yeah I want to be concise. I guess I am a bit timid in what I exclude just because I want to make sure it makes sense. I'll try to cut a lot though, maybe a bit more then im comfortable cutting and then repost to see how others read it. As far as lips vs lip I have a hard time thinking of something dangling from both lips simultaneously. I had the idea that a word is teetering on the edge of the bottom lip hence lip.
Thnx again, for reading/commenting your comment and jeremyyoung's were mad helpful 4 real.
I cant find the poem you referenced online, but I haven't looked maybe as long as I could..
I guess the idea with heat was that the conversation was warm hence embers at first, so the lack of conversation would kind of be like the sensation of walking away from a campfire on chilly night or I guess in this case smothering the fire??? I see where they could also be unnecessary though, and probably a bit ambiguous. That and it may not necessarily sit well with driving. Initially I was thinking about the sun set.
I think the change you recommended is goood. The dnd bit made mye giggle a lil bit. I made a DnD comparision when critiquing some ones poem last week... I like the image I had when I thought of the line but I wasn't thinking of a demon > . < so i'll experiment some more with other words I don't want a demon.
@71degrees Alright THnx, yeah I want to be concise. I guess I am a bit timid in what I exclude just because I want to make sure it makes sense. I'll try to cut a lot though, maybe a bit more then im comfortable cutting and then repost to see how others read it. As far as lips vs lip I have a hard time thinking of something dangling from both lips simultaneously. I had the idea that a word is teetering on the edge of the bottom lip hence lip.
Thnx again, for reading/commenting your comment and jeremyyoung's were mad helpful 4 real.