03-10-2014, 11:07 PM
Come, when a petal of the moon
Swims slow along a dark sky' river. not sure it needs 'sky''... prefer just 'dark river'.
Come, because the life is we,
Found ourselves in a dark wood. prefer find to found
Come, as revelation of lips and hands. doesn't need 'as'
I am ready for all! exclamation mark... grrrrrrr....
Because our life is a ring.
It is a crazy hellish wheel. would prefer a reference to the wheel as a torture device, than 'crazy hellish'
Come, because the life is dust At first, I thought, 'a net can't hold dust', but like the metaphor of escaping gloom.
In a net of the gloomy days.
Don't forget: today we are alive these three lines could be compressed into two, to keep the form, and say the same thing.
But tomorrow we will turn
In a couple of cold stones.
Come. Nice invitation to end.
Swims slow along a dark sky' river. not sure it needs 'sky''... prefer just 'dark river'.
Come, because the life is we,
Found ourselves in a dark wood. prefer find to found
Come, as revelation of lips and hands. doesn't need 'as'
I am ready for all! exclamation mark... grrrrrrr....
Because our life is a ring.
It is a crazy hellish wheel. would prefer a reference to the wheel as a torture device, than 'crazy hellish'
Come, because the life is dust At first, I thought, 'a net can't hold dust', but like the metaphor of escaping gloom.
In a net of the gloomy days.
Don't forget: today we are alive these three lines could be compressed into two, to keep the form, and say the same thing.
But tomorrow we will turn
In a couple of cold stones.
Come. Nice invitation to end.