Poetry Telephone Complete!

[milo]

She can't pretend she doesn't miss
the taste of scraps and local greens
seasoned with her mother's spice and tears.

"scraps" is an odd choice. "seasoned with her mother's tears" is a little twee and I don't think you pull it off here.

I like scraps in contrast to the guests' feast, I'll try to improve that. I kept tears to relate to the poem before, I don't like it either, I settled seeing an end in sight. I'll fix it.

Thinking about it, I like scraps but dislike the ambiguity. Any way of making it table scraps or dinner scraps, etc.?

Her babe sleeps safe and free to dream:

I don't think you need both safe and free to dream.

I think I need both, safe is body, free to dream is mind.

for me, " free to dream" implies safety, but it may be a minor point.

not bound to ragged past he'll sing a newfound song,
her lullaby imprinted on his breast-
a queen, head high, who faced the beast.

-Ellajam

once again, the missing article is too disruptive. There is some confusion with the pronoun switch at the end.

Here I'm not sure what you mean. Article before ragged? Switch from son to mother unclear? I can't pinpoint what's off.

yes, the missing article before ragged.

Thanks, milo, and thanks for the fine mermaid poem. I was so relieved to receive a poem so interesting and enjoyable to read the countless times that I needed to in order to attempt this. I would have loved to stay with the mermaid but quickly realized I couldn't come up with something I liked as much, so I moved next door.

I chose to follow Michael Wolkind's example of how to play, although his poem was wild his technique was concrete and gave me a method.

Yes, I remember michal's response included the aplogy, "sorry, but I was watching a cooking show"

I may have other examples of the game somewhere if you were interested.