03-07-2014, 09:50 PM
I hesitate to offer any specific alteration, there is fat that could be trimmed and maybe some tightening - which is not a particularly graceful statement, and rather cack-handed - because the fat adds to the taste, and the certain looseness, allows the poem to breath. It let's the reader inside that comforting blanket of hope and remorse that is fatherhood.
The tone is very good. And I like the back and forth, with the element of competition in the stung finger.
It reminded me of the times I say something, or do something, and it isn't me, it's my father. And he had the same thing, and I suspect his father did - maybe all father's do.
The tone is very good. And I like the back and forth, with the element of competition in the stung finger.
It reminded me of the times I say something, or do something, and it isn't me, it's my father. And he had the same thing, and I suspect his father did - maybe all father's do.