Poetry Telephone Complete!

[ellajam]

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Wait a second... I just went to the other (uglier-than-ours, hehe) forum. Milo is leading a double life there, masquerading as someone name Horatio! My world just became so much more confused.....

Yes, I noticed the same thing. Don't worry, I am certain to get to the bottom of it . . .

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So, I thought it might be nice to comment on ella's poem. First, I was intrigued by her method of rewrite, she created an interesting parallelism out of it - almost finding another completely different poem within the first but sharing many of the sonics, devices, etc. If ella had just posted this poem out of nowhere, i would have liked it. I think it needs some polish, but I also think it deserves some polish.

Truth of a Chambermaid

She relies upon her good humor-
tames her hair to some degree
whips up a bun with carved comb,
doesn't wear her skirt above her knee.

This was an interesting start - I liked the juxtaposition of her personality with her hair. I am ambivalent about skipping the one article while including others. Maybe "doesn't" could be replaced with "and won't". Also, "above the knee" to avoid the double "her's"
maybe just:
wears her skirt below the knee

Her warm brown eyes dim
with memories of the siege.
Somnambulant through vacant halls,
she startles as her cellphone rings,
still wary of calls to leave her hometown
she harbors fears they'll come for her.
She shakes herself, resists the urge to flee.

In here it gets a littl pronoun happy. It gets a little clumsy starting with "still wary" which continues through the rest of the stanza. I think siege works in it's generality.

Maybe I can chuck those two bum lines:
Her warm brown eyes dim
with memories of the siege.
Somnambulant through vacant halls,
she startles as her cellphone rings,
shakes herself, resists the urge to flee.

I don't know, maybe I need the details, just better ones.

She moves to clear debris of guests, aloof
in berths they laze, at long buffets they graze.

"long" feels padded and the inversion of "they graze" doesn't help

point taken, needs reworking

She can't pretend she doesn't miss
the taste of scraps and local greens
seasoned with her mother's spice and tears.

"scraps" is an odd choice. "seasoned with her mother's tears" is a little twee and I don't think you pull it off here.

I like scraps in contrast to the guests' feast, I'll try to improve that. I kept tears to relate to the poem before, I don't like it either, I settled seeing an end in sight. I'll fix it.

Her babe sleeps safe and free to dream:

I don't think you need both safe and free to dream.

I think I need both, safe is body, free to dream is mind.

not bound to ragged past he'll sing a newfound song,
her lullaby imprinted on his breast-
a queen, head high, who faced the beast.

-Ellajam

once again, the missing article is too disruptive. There is some confusion with the pronoun switch at the end.

Here I'm not sure what you mean. Article before ragged? Switch from son to mother unclear? I can't pinpoint what's off.

Anyway, I think it has promise, thanks for participating

Thanks, milo, and thanks for the fine mermaid poem. I was so relieved to receive a poem so interesting and enjoyable to read the countless times that I needed to in order to attempt this. I would have loved to stay with the mermaid but quickly realized I couldn't come up with something I liked as much, so I moved next door.

I chose to follow Michael Wolkind's example of how to play, although his poem was wild his technique was concrete and gave me a method.

And thanks, milo and the pig pen, for creating a place so supportive that even those of us with lesser skills feel secure enough to play with writers more experienced. You've done this not with polite false applause, but by being willing to give even weaker poems the benefit of serious critique.

I appreciate the opportunities given to me here, this was a stimulating challenge.

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I'd like to comment on erthona's contribution. It's a good thing I had swallowed my coffee because I laughed out loud the first time I read it, and still grin every time. I've read humorous twists on Salome's story before, but never one that mocked her quite so blatantly.

While I think it is an opportunity missed by not actually using seven meats (no pepperoni!), I would have hated to have missed the image of "shooting anchovies from her nether regions".

I enjoyed the stark contrast between this and the poem before it, while the poem after it managed to come at the story from yet another angle. Well played, all.

Erthona wrote:

Salami to no a veil
The Opera of Headless John
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Herod fat-pig asks his slut sausage Salami
Salami, :What will you do with your pet John?”
--dick stress

Salami sings off key to John
verses of Abba all night long
John throws up, but is unmoved.

Salami dance the dance of the seven meats
John ignores her disgusting dance especially
when she pulls a hogi from between her thighs
John eats not!

John preaches in his head,
that Christ has come though John as not
he is unsure about Salami!

Salami acts as though John’s mouth is a large pickle,
Nibbling, sucking (especially sucking, and other
oral gymnastics) to no avail as the pickle stays frozen.

Salami in desperation dances her dance of fifty meats,
cold cuts flying everywhere, shooting anchovies
from her nether regions, yet John holds fast to the “armour” of God.

When Christ returns to redeem his order of pastrami on rye,
We simpletons will drink mead with all,
Salami heareth not his call as this is not Salami on rye,
John makes no reply as Herod has chopped off his head.

Erthona (Dale Tisdale)