Everything is still here

[geoff]

Hello tomoffing,
here are some thoughts for your edit:

Revision 1 - (Thanks to all and kindofahippy and tara in particular for their in depth feedback) Major edits are in bold.

Everything is still here

as I exhale, unfurling worries
as wisps of silk that purl ...to make the image even stronger, could replace "as" with "in"
and shimmer in puddled moonlight;
each blinked into hindsight
by the first stars I ever saw. ...not entirely convinced by the punctuation in this stanza still. the sounds of the words is strong and pleasing (the /u/'s in the beginning)

This frozen silent third acre ...is "silent" needed? I think frozen can capture that in a way...
amplifies a familiarity ...."amplifies" has a tone that did not really mesh with "briars" and "bushes" of this stanza for me. Also, rather than being told that the speaker is recollecting, I think that the descriptions that come later satisfy that goal ...
rustling in the briars
and sloe bushes, as I did
when still small enough
to evade their barbs.
...this stanza, for me, does little to advance the poem. the first stanza already introduces the reflection with the last two lines; the next stanza continues it with the "days passed" etc. While I liked the images in this stanza, that isn't enough to justify it for me...


Days passed tumbling
from ivy clad banks ..."ivy-clad" (liked that image; brings a darker, navy-like feel); comma after "banks"
lopping the heads of daffodils
we'd planted the past October.
"Planting patience" you called it; ....minor, but the repetition of "plant" in this and last line was noticeable...
digging your past to seed my future.

Youthful unkempt clouds of daisies
blanket the sleeping bulbs tonight. ...would be nice if a stronger tie between these "bulbs" and the plants from the last stanza, drawing a tighter bridge between past and present. even a pronoun or adjective like "these" before "sleeping" could work
and I recall scepticism
of the promised blossoming;
I know better now
as you did then.

A sullen recollection peers ...not convinced that a recollection can be "sullen," though it can make people feel that way...
from the frost squinted gable window ...squinted? not sure I fully understand its use here
of the shed where I served my sentences
among pitch forks and pick axes;...is this needed? the "chisel-chipped" and stone/mortar images already give this a sense of labor
frustration chisel-chipped in its grey mortar
consequence cemented in its stone walls. ...this stanza is packed tight with description (dropping an adjective or two could actually make it smoother as some of the descriptions felt less accurate.. vague terms like "frustration" and "consequence" could be given concrete names (e.g., cusses, names, hour marks, phrases of some kind). liked the idea conveyed here...

A silvery limbed young birch is sheltered
by the snow flecked stoic old chestnut
who's outgrown my treehouse
and stopped dropping conkers-
since I stopped stringing them. ...where does the treehouse come from? there is some assumption here that the speaker and reader are on the same page....

"...needs felling." you noted recently.
I won't hear of it, the sapling can wait.

The dull beat of unseen swans
arrowing across Farnhnam field....liked "arrowing"...
and rippling into inky floodwater
drums a forgotten question
of transience and impermanence.

"You'll follow them to find out son,
in your own time." Follow I did.

Roused by the door handle's cold click ...perhaps just me again, but I was imagining some distance between the speaker and the house. This sentence jarred me out of that (appropriately maybe!). It reads a bit more like a narrative than I'd prefer, mostly because it tells what happens more than leading the reader..
to fizzing conversation, bottle-clinks
and twinkling flutes I pause, ...the "twinkling flutes" were interesting...
absorbing everything
that's still here.

Everything is still here.

Solid images still, but the progression from scenes still is missing smoother, natural transitions for me.

enjoyed the read
-geoff