03-05-2014, 09:19 AM
Thanks for the critique.
"Your "You're" not invited to their carnival," Typo there, thanks for catching it.
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A lot of what you say is accurate, "Yoda-speak" for sure. BTW, I think I was using that a long time before Bilbo
Evidently weak minds think alike.
In rearranging the lines you have run into the same problems I have been having, while some make it more clear, it blows the rhyme out of the water. Nearly all of your suggestions make the meaning more clear, but most change the end word.
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I want to run this line by you, which you mentioned and give an explanation, so you can tell me if it does not carry the meaning I meant.
Your edit was "Not worthy"? to lean against the gate and bide."
Original was: "No worth to lean against the gate and bide."
My intent was to say that it is not worth ones time to stay waiting at the gate, because:
"You're" not invited to their carnival,"
and so of course no matter how long one waits, he will not be invited in.
This is a metaphor for someone who has a defense against any argument, no matter how rationale, or logical. Here is an example:
I ask the person why he got a DWI. His response is, "He had pulled through a burger place and got a burger, but as he was trying to eat it, it was so hot he wobbled in his lane, and the cop pulled him over because of this and gave him a DWI." When I suggest that the reason he got a DWI was because he was driving while intoxicated, he refutes that by continuing to say, if the burger was not too hot, he would not have wobbled the car, and the cop would not have given him a DWI. And regardless of how one approaches the question he always has an answer that does not involve being intoxicated while driving. Thus:
"Contend not with those beyond all assail,
With strong walls thick that let no mote inside,"
Let me know if that makes any sense to you, or if it still reads like a garbled mess. Of course if I have to explain it, it is obviously unclear, but that I already knew
Thanks for your time,
Dale
"Your "You're" not invited to their carnival," Typo there, thanks for catching it.
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A lot of what you say is accurate, "Yoda-speak" for sure. BTW, I think I was using that a long time before Bilbo
Evidently weak minds think alike. In rearranging the lines you have run into the same problems I have been having, while some make it more clear, it blows the rhyme out of the water. Nearly all of your suggestions make the meaning more clear, but most change the end word.
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I want to run this line by you, which you mentioned and give an explanation, so you can tell me if it does not carry the meaning I meant.
Your edit was "Not worthy"? to lean against the gate and bide."
Original was: "No worth to lean against the gate and bide."
My intent was to say that it is not worth ones time to stay waiting at the gate, because:
"You're" not invited to their carnival,"
and so of course no matter how long one waits, he will not be invited in.
This is a metaphor for someone who has a defense against any argument, no matter how rationale, or logical. Here is an example:
I ask the person why he got a DWI. His response is, "He had pulled through a burger place and got a burger, but as he was trying to eat it, it was so hot he wobbled in his lane, and the cop pulled him over because of this and gave him a DWI." When I suggest that the reason he got a DWI was because he was driving while intoxicated, he refutes that by continuing to say, if the burger was not too hot, he would not have wobbled the car, and the cop would not have given him a DWI. And regardless of how one approaches the question he always has an answer that does not involve being intoxicated while driving. Thus:
"Contend not with those beyond all assail,
With strong walls thick that let no mote inside,"
Let me know if that makes any sense to you, or if it still reads like a garbled mess. Of course if I have to explain it, it is obviously unclear, but that I already knew
Thanks for your time,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.