Driving Back to the Apartment (passanger seat)

[beaufort]

Edit 1

We take turns
splitting the distance
between us
with words; embers adrift
in cold air.good improvement here with the edit

The world recedes
in the rear view mirror.
A syllable dangles
in delicate balance
upon my lip.

Inhale—
the syllable slips
down my throat
and smolders;
stomach coal.I might be tempted to leave out this last line

Highway hum fills the holes
left by non-conversations. I get "non-conversations" but it seems a bit unwieldy to me. How about simply "left by silence" ?
I look towards you—
your sinking sun
drives the sky below us. don't really understand "your" sinking sun - is the sun belonging to him? under his control? Maybe it's just me

I stare at what remains
of a horizon and speak—
black orifice, smoke tap.
You stare.
You did a good job with the edit IMO. I wouldn't have understood who the black orifice referred to without reading your explanation, but now that I know it fits well with the rest. You use the word "stare" twice here - did you want to emphasize it? Also, passenger is misspelled. Thanks for sharing this!

Original
We take turns
splitting the distance
between us with words
like children shattering
a frozen creek.

The world recedes
in the rear view mirror.
A warm syllable dangles
in delicate balance
on the edge of my lip.

In time it burns
and chars my mouth.
I let it slip
into my stomach
acid and smolder.

Highway hum fills the holes
left by non-conversations.
I look towards you —
your sinking
sun drives the sky below

us. I stare at what remains
of a horizon and speak —
black orifice, smoke drip.
You stare.



Alright, so this one is a bit rough, cant get the third stanza to read how I want + not sure about the ending, but what do you guys think??? I've been stuck on it for awhile so putting it out here, appreciate all feedback. :^)