03-03-2014, 12:26 PM
Hello Dinosta,
I think a consistent meter would work wonders for the rhythm. There were times I started to get into it only to stumble in the following line or because it felt like a beat was missing (or extra). For a short piece, there are also what struck me as extra words ("that" in line one, "were what" in line 3). I was confused on the speaker of line four.
I do feel like this would benefit from more content. Thanks for sharing.
I think a consistent meter would work wonders for the rhythm. There were times I started to get into it only to stumble in the following line or because it felt like a beat was missing (or extra). For a short piece, there are also what struck me as extra words ("that" in line one, "were what" in line 3). I was confused on the speaker of line four.
I do feel like this would benefit from more content. Thanks for sharing.