03-03-2014, 09:46 AM
I feel like this poem needs more specificity of image, theme and voice. There's a certain elegance of expression, but it doesn't add up to anything other than disconnected thoughts drifting through a senseless narrative. I hope that I'm not being too harsh. There's promise here - you clearly have an idea and an interesting approach - you just need to clarify, clarify, clarify
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe