03-02-2014, 08:37 PM
I like this one. Let's go through it, shall we?
[quote='Erthona' pid='156577' dateline='1393746643']
.
Oncology ontology, postmodernism savoir faire, - are you missing some commas, or am I missing something else?
metaphysical cancer floating on air, - apart from not quite understanding this part (in which case take my comment with a pinch of salt), I don't like the 'floating on air'.
So self assured, with so little knowledge, - is this a new sentence? Looks like one, but the previous line ends with a comma, so I am confused as to how to read it in relation to the previous lines.
learned at the best local junior college.
Tested in the crucible of lunch and free rides,
all one needed was to show up and bide. - this line sounds a bit stiff and a bit awkward.
At best what used to be an grade school education, - 'an grade school'? I don't usually correct punctuation an spelling etc. But in this case I really did trip all over this one; also, while I'm doing 'that' thing, a comma after best wouldn't go amiss. I may be being a bit slow, just woke, but i don't entirely get the point you're making here (not necessarily an indication that anything is wrong, by the way
)
they’ve never seen death, nor begged for salvation.
Yet they’ll whisper their learned platitudes to you
as they fumble and bumble, not knowing what they do! The ending is good.
i like this one. I don't think it quite has that emotional impact of anger that i think it is driving at, but it is well enough. Further, the lack of any pronouns in the first half of the poem turns it into a bit of a 'guess who' thing, or worse a 'guess what' thing (largely down to punctuation issues [yours or mine, i am not sure at the moment]), and I don't like that.
and ps. I like the original title more.
[quote='Erthona' pid='156577' dateline='1393746643']
.
Oncology ontology, postmodernism savoir faire, - are you missing some commas, or am I missing something else?
metaphysical cancer floating on air, - apart from not quite understanding this part (in which case take my comment with a pinch of salt), I don't like the 'floating on air'.
So self assured, with so little knowledge, - is this a new sentence? Looks like one, but the previous line ends with a comma, so I am confused as to how to read it in relation to the previous lines.
learned at the best local junior college.
Tested in the crucible of lunch and free rides,
all one needed was to show up and bide. - this line sounds a bit stiff and a bit awkward.
At best what used to be an grade school education, - 'an grade school'? I don't usually correct punctuation an spelling etc. But in this case I really did trip all over this one; also, while I'm doing 'that' thing, a comma after best wouldn't go amiss. I may be being a bit slow, just woke, but i don't entirely get the point you're making here (not necessarily an indication that anything is wrong, by the way
) they’ve never seen death, nor begged for salvation.
Yet they’ll whisper their learned platitudes to you
as they fumble and bumble, not knowing what they do! The ending is good.
i like this one. I don't think it quite has that emotional impact of anger that i think it is driving at, but it is well enough. Further, the lack of any pronouns in the first half of the poem turns it into a bit of a 'guess who' thing, or worse a 'guess what' thing (largely down to punctuation issues [yours or mine, i am not sure at the moment]), and I don't like that.
and ps. I like the original title more.