Pallbearer

[billy]

sorry i got here late, everything has been said already. the conrete of the poem works but i wish there would have been a bell tower and alter as well as the steps .

good editing.

V. 1
Pallbearer
for Quemilla Anderson


Carrying you
down the church
steps to pealing bells
to the car, I thought myself this is my only nit. i just can't make the enjambement work well enough i always have to stop on order to work it out, a suggestion would be [and the car]
a father, taking a daughter to bed this line has a finality about it in the context of the poem that works really well.
over his shoulder, turning off the light
and shutting the door, waiting to share
a sunlit breakfast at a loud and crowded table.



V. 2 (a nod to Chris)


Carrying you
down the church
steps to pealing bells
to the overstretched car,
I thought myself a father again,
taking a daughter to bed over his shoulder,
turning off the light and shutting her cedar door,
waiting to share breakfast at a long, crowded table.



V. 3 (props to Angel, ella, pinsir, and milo)

Carrying you
down the church
steps to pealing bells,
I thought myself a father
again, taking a daughter up
to bed over his shoulder, turning
off the light and shutting her pine door,
waiting to share breakfast at a long, crowded table.