02-26-2014, 08:47 AM
Chris,
I think this is pretty clear in terms of intent, there is some ambiguity that needs cleaning up. In this stanza:
"The Viola bows a stirring Blues
to bewail the garden’s loss.
Her abusive Jack-In-The-Pulpit
should rightly be defrocked."
The "her" in "Her abusive Jack-In-The-Pulpit" could be mistaken for "Viola".
Maybe:
The Bleeding Hearts are lamenting
Black-Eyed Susan’s tragedy.
Four O’clock was the dreadful hour
when she drank a Hemlock brew.
Her abusive Jack-In-The-Pulpit
should rightly be defrocked.
Viola bows a stirring Blues
to bewail the garden’s loss.
I think some meter and /or rhyme would help move this along better i.e., (just an example, not a suggestion)
Bleeding Hearts now lament,
for Black-Eyed Susan’s tragedy.
the dreadful hour was Four O’clock
when she consumed her Hemlock tea.
That's four feet lines of accentual verse with a xaxa rhyme pattern.
I think the core of this is fine, also very clever, but considering the length I think (purely personal) some meter and/or rhyme would give it some energy to help it along.
Dale
I think this is pretty clear in terms of intent, there is some ambiguity that needs cleaning up. In this stanza:
"The Viola bows a stirring Blues
to bewail the garden’s loss.
Her abusive Jack-In-The-Pulpit
should rightly be defrocked."
The "her" in "Her abusive Jack-In-The-Pulpit" could be mistaken for "Viola".
Maybe:
The Bleeding Hearts are lamenting
Black-Eyed Susan’s tragedy.
Four O’clock was the dreadful hour
when she drank a Hemlock brew.
Her abusive Jack-In-The-Pulpit
should rightly be defrocked.
Viola bows a stirring Blues
to bewail the garden’s loss.
I think some meter and /or rhyme would help move this along better i.e., (just an example, not a suggestion)
Bleeding Hearts now lament,
for Black-Eyed Susan’s tragedy.
the dreadful hour was Four O’clock
when she consumed her Hemlock tea.
That's four feet lines of accentual verse with a xaxa rhyme pattern.
I think the core of this is fine, also very clever, but considering the length I think (purely personal) some meter and/or rhyme would give it some energy to help it along.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.