Avant-garde-n

[ChristopherSea]

Hello Christopher. Here are some thoughts to ponder,

inspired by Erthona's 'Planting Season'

Avant-garde-n

Moonflowers dance, as white ghosts, ...I think the simile weakens the image a bit here. Could moonflowers work in a way to actually 'make' them the ghosts? I also would have liked another word besides "dance"; flowers and "dancing" is not quite as fresh an image. Describing the way they are dancing could really make the image pop. On another note, I am enjoying the flowers you picked throughout the piece (moonflowers, nightshade, etc.)
to the Nightshade’s muted horn.....nice line
Troubled gardens are rarely Mum ...perhaps I'm missing something, but the "troubled" catches me off-guard. To this point, I can't sense the problem, making the line feel a bit out of place
on muggy summer eves.

...having read the whole poem a few time, this is a stanza that didn't really fit with the rest of the poem for me, which is a shame because I did like the imagery. There is a story of sorts that really kicks off in the next stanza. Perhaps if the "ghosts" could be tied in to the "tragedy" seen later, but I might just be going for straws here, or just missing something entirely.

The Bleeding Hearts are lamenting
Black-Eyed Susan’s tragedy.
Her abusive Jack-In-The-Pulpit
should rightly be defrocked.

Four O’clock was the dreadful hour
when Susan drank a Hemlock brew.
The Viola bows a stirring Blues
to bewail the senseless loss....in some ways, I feel this stanza and the one above should be switched. It would explain the "tragedy" of stanza two and also the foreshadowing of "troubled" in stanza one. "Senseless loss" feels a bit dramatic to me

Nearing dawn’s Canterbury Bells
with Monkshood pulled down low,
the local friar will chime a plea
to restore our Morning Glory....we got this far without a you or I; the "our" struck me as out of place

Props for the flower references, many of which I had to dig for a bit to better understand, though there are more I am sure I am missing. I'm not fully sure what I'm supposed to take from the piece as a whole. There appears to be subplots that at the moment I'm struggling with (the religious aspects, the tragedy), but it may just require even further reads. Thanks for the poem; I hope this offers something useful

Thanks Geoff for the read and thorough critique! I did have all of the flowers in italics at one point and could restore that, but they are all in Caps now. The tragedy is Susan being abused by her preacher husband and taking her own life as a result. The flower names themselves created the plot and religious references and contrasting hypocrisy. The plot is somewhat self evident, although motivations have been left to the reader.

You have some good points about the stanza placement, as I have moved them more than once. Agreed, that stanza two and three could be switched out. Moreover, the Moonflowers may 'sway' better as the penultimate stanza to summarize this troubled garden before the restoration of peace in the close.

Additionally, the moonflowers could be swaying ghosts (metaphor verses simile). A substitute for 'senseless loss' should be easy enough. I thought closing with possessive might add more reality to the scene, but I see your point and that is easy to change.

Much obliged for your time and advice. Cheers/Chris

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Edit 1 posted, thank you Geoff! I still haven't found a way to make the Moonflowers ghosts, but I think I have rearranged the stanzas and lines better and made some recommended word substitutions.