A woman's Love

[71degrees]

To many aches in this body,
too much distance in this abode,
too long hanging on this edge,
has broken me until I’m whole.

Can you feel my love, though distance?
yours I can’t, although you say,
your love for me is ever subtle,
while my life fades away.

Love, the cut of a paper,
though many more times as deep,
deep freeze-dried, un-cried tears,
are the only kind you’ll weep.

What is it, that you carry,
from the trial of untried paths?
Me you keep from wandering off,
a nettles sting, sadistic staff.

In the silence of our madness,
not a movement, not a creep.
My strong steed you’ve broke’ your leg,
I do the deed, put you to sleep.

Can you sense me spiral down?
A falcon that was once a dove:
incognito, I am falling,
savor it, I steal your love?

Most of the grammatical and/or usage problems have been pointed out so I won't comment there except to say I could take your stuff more seriously if I knew you were taking that extra five minutes to edit some of this stuff on your own.

What I see here is a rather male take of a relationship that's rather one sided, both emotionally, physically and psychologically. Now maybe that's what you wanted. If so…congratulations.

It's filled w/two bit images (e.g. "deep, freeze-dried paper cuts" / "a strong steed who's not a creep") that cheapens what is an honest effort to present a one sided relationship in an intelligent and meaningful presentation. These images gives the poem a dime store novel atmosphere of the 1950's mantra of "When Men were Men, and Women were Women." The rhyme scheme doesn't do anything for me either. A free verse take on the same subject would do wonders to allow me to take this more seriously.

There are some valid points trying to be made in this poem, I think. But….there are too many obstacles for me.