The Little Things

[71degrees]

Another Revision of "The Little Things"

Vanishing Point

It looks like a painting,
what an artist might see:

an aging couple, at a little cafe, tiny
tables, the man, his white hair, thinning,
thick glasses, his empty plate pushed
to the middle of the table; he is eating
cherry pie, holding his fork in his left hand
like a music baton, accessible

the smallish woman across from him,
her hair also white, a soft hat on,
like a little bird in a nest; she is sipping
chicken soup; her water glass, ice half-
melted; she seems to be waiting for something
small, a bit of conversation

the man’s free right hand touches
the woman’s left index finger,
a small gesture; in a few minutes,
they will enter a different landscape,
their natural depth borrowed
from each other’s perspective

---------

Vanishing Point

It looks like a painting, you could also use a dash here
what an artist might see:

an aging couple, at a little cafe, tiny I'd remove "," after couple
tables, the man, his white hair, thinning, -"," after hair
thick glasses, his empty plate pushed
to the middle of the table; he is eating
cherry pie, holding his fork in his left hand his fork in hand like a music baton,
like a music baton, accessible ,

the smallish woman across from him, the petite/small woman
her hair also white, a soft hat on, her hair his mirror,
like a little bird in a nest; she is sipping a soft hat, a nest for little birds
chicken soup; her water glass, ice half-
melted; she seems to be waiting for something
small, a bit of conversation you could leave out small for redundancy

the man’s free right hand touches his right hand touches
the woman’s left index finger, her left index finger
a small gesture; in a few minutes, period after gesture?
they will enter a different landscape,
their natural depth borrowed make clearer
from each other’s perspective "


Hey there,

I think it's great that you are working so hard on this poem I love the
imagery involved, it's a fantastic narrative. I can see everything so
clearly, and that's how something narrative ought to be.

The last two lines are a little unclear to me, perhaps you can re-evaluate
so I can connect to them more as a the reader. I am unsure what you mean by them.

I wish you luck in any future revisions!

-VisualCondyle (Tara)

Tara: you can critique my stuff anytime you want. The last two lines are an attempt at art language, which is the gist of the poem. Life = art, so to speak. Since this scene looks like a painting to the narrator (what an artist might see) but it's really real life, I am supposing the two participants also have an artistic perspective of their surrounding. Vanishing Point (as an art term)vanishing point is that spot on the horizon line (on canvas) to which the receeding parallel lines diminish. The two participants are about to leave. They will "vanish" into a different landscape, so to speak. I'm fascinated by poetry = art…the similarities to other mediums, even painting. Imagery is painting.

I'm talking too much. Thanks for the critique. Will revisit many of your suggestions.