02-14-2014, 12:52 AM
Thnx for the replies,
@ tomoffing Nice suggestions. I agree with most if not everything will consider with revision. Im glad you like "black orifice, smoke drip." because that felt good when I wrote it but I was concerned it wouldn't translate well to others. Cheerzz
@ Erthona It supposed to start off happy then have a change in tone. So first metaphor was meant to be kinda naive, quiet, playful but looks like I may have to revisit it. It was intended to speak more to the way the words disrupt the space between the two people, and I guess its a bit violent also. I mean space and ice are both very pure,, I'll have to think about it more. the Warm I thought would kinda serve as a soft line between something happy -> painful I guess I could explore that as a central metaphor having something being heated parallel a relationship. Cold before you know one another, warmer as you get to know one another, and then hot to the point of pain when you know one another too well. Idk just thinking out loud (in type).. . Nice suggestions also, i'd take them 2 heart if it wasn't for your signature. Thnx for reading and commenting, Cheers.
I'm just now experimenting with enjambmet more so tbh tbh I just put it everywhere I thought it could be interesting. Anyway I always write that i'll post updates then I normally start something else.. but this one is getting updated 4 real > . <
@ tomoffing Nice suggestions. I agree with most if not everything will consider with revision. Im glad you like "black orifice, smoke drip." because that felt good when I wrote it but I was concerned it wouldn't translate well to others. Cheerzz
@ Erthona It supposed to start off happy then have a change in tone. So first metaphor was meant to be kinda naive, quiet, playful but looks like I may have to revisit it. It was intended to speak more to the way the words disrupt the space between the two people, and I guess its a bit violent also. I mean space and ice are both very pure,, I'll have to think about it more. the Warm I thought would kinda serve as a soft line between something happy -> painful I guess I could explore that as a central metaphor having something being heated parallel a relationship. Cold before you know one another, warmer as you get to know one another, and then hot to the point of pain when you know one another too well. Idk just thinking out loud (in type).. . Nice suggestions also, i'd take them 2 heart if it wasn't for your signature. Thnx for reading and commenting, Cheers.
I'm just now experimenting with enjambmet more so tbh tbh I just put it everywhere I thought it could be interesting. Anyway I always write that i'll post updates then I normally start something else.. but this one is getting updated 4 real > . <