Driving Back to the Apartment (passanger seat)

[tomoffing]

I see what you mean about the third stanza. The imagery is harsh and painful, which doesn't quite sit with the atmosphere overall.

Opinions below, but overall this is great. And I don't see much to improve in the last.

Thanks a lot.

We take turns
splitting the distance
between us with words
like children shattering
a frozen creek.

The world recedes
in the rear view mirror.
A warm syllable dangles "dangling syllable" works better imo. It's a more taut image, and sounds better aloud I think
in delicate balance
on the edge of my lip. "Upon my lip", being shorter it suits the tension, and the p sounds literally hang on your lip when said.

In time it burns
and chars my mouth.
I let it slip
into my stomach
acid and smolder.

As I said, this is harsh in comparison to the rest of the piece. Perhaps something involving chapped lips and a dry mouth, that you swallow to the pit of your stomach?

Highway hum fills the holes
left by non-conversations.
I look towards you —
your sinking
sun drives the sky below I'd move sun to line 4, the wording is fine, but the enjambment makes line 4 appear initially as an error. Interrupts the read.

us. I stare at what remains not sold on this enjambment either. It doesn't add enough for the effort it takes to understand for me. Although I'm pretty slow.
of a horizon and speak —
black orifice, smoke drip. Great line.
You stare.



Alright, so this one is a bit rough, cant get the third stanza to read how I want + not sure about the ending, but what do you guys think??? I've been stuck on it for awhile so putting it out here, appreciate all feedback. :^)