Better Raw the Taste of Vision (a short poem)

[visualcondyle]

Better raw the taste of vision-
perception, unrefined.
Yield to imprecision.
Do not distill the mind.
Make living your ambition:
leave all the rest behind.

It is better raw- the taste of vision.
Perception, that is unrefined
where we yield not to imprecision.

Do not let slip your mind;
make living your ambition—
leave all the rest behind.

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Hey there,

My immediate reaction is to lengthen the poem a little bit to forsake the rhyme scheme.
I realize that a rhyme scheme can be very minimalist and charming, but I would also consider:

“do not let it slip your mind,
make your life among the living;
a sharp point, can ambition make-
leave the rest behind.”

It will slightly alter the rhyme scheme, but don’t be afraid to step out of bounds
to let the poem really speak in another manner. The speaker declares a message short
and sweet, and emphasizes the positive effects of clarity/focus, determination,
and living life with full ambition. The subtext is very positive, and I wish you luck if
you decide to revamp your poem

-VisualCondyle (Tara)