Please Critique

[ChristopherSea]

First poem


PLEASE CRITIQUE VERY HARSHLY, I need to get better.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thread by the way

Love

Imaginary yet so real
Indescribable, but understandable.
Visible in pictures
although you can't point it out
you know it's there
love is powerful and dangerous
it can cause happiness
as well as pain

---

Ok just updated it

Always on my mind



The inspiration for my life
Although I can not see it
it causes My heart to race slightly
Consumed within your beauty
When I look into your eyes
all I can see is beauty
but within I feel much more
a force stronger than myself
It is what guides my life
and makes me who I am
It is something that everyone has

Love

---

Updated Again

Always on my mind



The inspiration for my life
Although I can not see it
I know it's there because
When I look into your eyes
my heart races slightly
I am Consumed within your beauty
it is the strongest feeling ever
yet all I can do is smile
but within I feel so much more
a force stronger than myself
Guiding my actions and will
It makes me who I am
and it was binds this world together

Love

---

Updated Again:

Always on my mind



The inspiration for my life
Although I can not see it
I know it's there because
When I look into your eyes
I don't just see you
I see us
and my heart races slightly
I am Consumed within your beauty
it is my greatest joy and fear
yet all I can do is smile
but within I feel so much more
a force stronger than myself
Guiding my actions and will
It makes me who I am
and it was binds this world together

Love

Hi Love, Is the title supposed to be part of the first line? If not, then you begin with a fragment, which is rather weak. Punctuation would benefit both you and the reader. This is pretty much a beginner's generic love poem. You have emotion herein, but little else. No strong images, no similes or metaphor. These should be the skeleton to hang your emotion on. Say everything differently:

In a labyrinth of gray matter
hides my life’s inspiration;
it’s path revealed in your eyes.

Heart races is too common, heart races slightly makes no sense.

My heart is a locomotive or a gull in flight or anything else…

You get the drift. Show him the way you feel! Now go do something interesting with this. Good luck!/Chris