Please Critique

[billy]

try ti give the poem some depth. don't use phrases that have been used before, if you think you've heard something you'll not be the only one.

I am Consumed within your beauty
it is my greatest joy and fear
yet all I can do is smile
but within I feel so much more
a force stronger than myself
Guiding my actions and will
It makes me who I am
and it was binds this world together

really says very little and noting of worthy
how are you consumed?
what force?
show the reader these things if you can.

First poem


PLEASE CRITIQUE VERY HARSHLY, I need to get better.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thread by the way


Always on my mind



The inspiration for my life no need for [the] if use a : at the end of the line
Although I can not see it
I know it's there because no need for because
When I look into your eyes
I don't just see you
I see us
and my heart races slightly this line would be good except heart races is cliche, try and stop it being cliche by turning it into a simile or metaphor [and my heart races slightly like mercury in a tube] is an example
I am Consumed within your beauty
it is my greatest joy and fear
yet all I can do is smile
but within I feel so much more
a force stronger than myself
Guiding my actions and will
It makes me who I am
and it was binds this world together

Love