Virtuality

[shenaz]

Hi shenaz,

I'm not sure i have really got much out of this one to get me wanting to keep comming back for more...and for me this is a marker of a good write.
There seems to be a lot of repitition with the Sea/ ocean images that I do not think work in such a short poem. I amactually struggling to get a solid image for the read as a whole. Will offer what the lines speak to me below.

Standing in the Ocean The standing gives me - perseverance, inner strength and commitment. The ocean - smallness, isolation, insignificance.
I eat my hair No idea what this is meant to convey apart from it is windy
In the sea of loneliness I think you could loose this whole line it does not say anything new to me that the first line has not supplied
Staring at the shore of solitude This line is at best mediocre, (sorry just being honest to how I have read it) but it could also be taken as a repitition of the sentiments of the first line, so could again be axed. I suspect that you might be going for a depresion image - a sort of ship to shore looking through the telescope the wrong way round
The rain cries in the heat For me these last two lines are the poem and I would encourage you to explore where this might lead you if you make this your first line. I did this recently in the mentoring section with Todd and it yielded some surprising results and was a great exercise
Gasoline bleeds on the Tarmac, forming the colours of my soul.

Hope these thoughts might be of some help.
all the best AJ.

Thanks AJ. I'll put in more work

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Hello, this is short

Standing in the Ocean
I eat my hair — an intriguing opening. It could be leading to something unusual (unfortunately, as I have obviously read the whole poem and am only feigning ignorance, I know that it isn't)
In the sea of loneliness — cliche. 'In the sea of' anything is pretty cliche but 'loneliness' just adds insult to injury. But you are continuing a theme, so I understand. Oh, but if you really must keep this I would suggest changing the definite article to 'a', as in 'in a sea of loneliness', it actually doesn't sound so bad that way; more relaxed rather than an attempt at profundity. I think if a cliche is used in a more relaxed even conversational way then it can be forgiven, and I think the indefinite article adds this.
Staring at the shore of solitude — you have made the point. And this line isn't so cliche per se, but it is definitely on the shore of one
The rain cries in the heat — yeah, this is ok. But, haven't you heard a similar line before? More than once?
Gasoline bleeds on the Tarmac, forming the colours of my soul. — this is a nice ending, and finally there is something that actually resonates. Pick up this line and carry it on, and possibly abandon all the rest.

I'll check my structure. Thanks

Abandon all the cliches which extreme feelings seem to breed like rats (I think it is due to the exhaustion induced by those emotions that makes us lazy to find something new in them) and simplify. The last line is great and could be the beginning of a great poem.

And ps. Just from a stylistic point of view, why not split the last line after the comma? It is a small thing perhaps but would just make it look a bit tidier.