02-08-2014, 07:42 AM
I'm loving you in borrowed time,
On borrowed time? Maybe it's not.
an opportunity I can't forsake.
And I know the loss will not be mine.
It'll teach your heart how to break.
I'm loving you in stolen years.
And when those years have gone by,
they'll leave you broken and in tears.
They will teach you what it is to cry.
The problem with this stanza is that it feels cheap. It feels cheap because it says obvious things in lines that seem more there to rhyme than to have anything to say.
I'm leaving you, you're losing me.
And there is nothing left to say.
Take me home, hold my hand.
I know I'm going, but please... stay.
This is a fine sentiment. But: And there is nothing left to say would be stronger if the middle stanza wasn't so weak. You can get away with stuff like that when you have a poem. You don't have a poem yet, but almost a poem and enough sentiment to pull one off. So far you have too much sentiment to pull one off. It's funny like that, but you can pull a poem out of just that sentiment. Just you haven't yet.
You might speak another language. So you're good so far. But English poems are English poems.
On borrowed time? Maybe it's not.
an opportunity I can't forsake.
And I know the loss will not be mine.
It'll teach your heart how to break.
I'm loving you in stolen years.
And when those years have gone by,
they'll leave you broken and in tears.
They will teach you what it is to cry.
The problem with this stanza is that it feels cheap. It feels cheap because it says obvious things in lines that seem more there to rhyme than to have anything to say.
I'm leaving you, you're losing me.
And there is nothing left to say.
Take me home, hold my hand.
I know I'm going, but please... stay.
This is a fine sentiment. But: And there is nothing left to say would be stronger if the middle stanza wasn't so weak. You can get away with stuff like that when you have a poem. You don't have a poem yet, but almost a poem and enough sentiment to pull one off. So far you have too much sentiment to pull one off. It's funny like that, but you can pull a poem out of just that sentiment. Just you haven't yet.
You might speak another language. So you're good so far. But English poems are English poems.