no name (yet)

[cidermaid]

Hi Lisa, this has a very sad quality about it that on first read i did not think suited the obvious rhyme sequence you had given it but then i decided that the simplicity made for a sense of honesty and straight talking that echoed the text of the poem.

As for a title I came up with "A bye day" This is actually a hunting day expression, which I know is not the story, but it means an extra day of sport that was not scheduled.

I'm loving you in borrowed time,
an opportunity I can't forsake. ? can't or won't
And I know the loss will not be mine. Is the and needed?
It'll teach your heart how to break. Not sure about the it'll...It makes for a bumpy read. Perhaps consider a change to... I'll or to

I'm loving you in stolen years.
And when those years have gone by, gone sounds too hard a word both in sound and the expression of meaning. passed or flown perhaps. (just my suggestions) also the repitition of years so close together is not so great
they'll leave you broken and in tears.
They will teach you what it is to cry.

I'm leaving you, you're losing me.
And there is nothing left to say. succinctly put - no thrills but it works.
Take me home, hold my hand.
I know I'm going, but please... stay. I love the softness of these lines after the rest of the write which was slightly hardened and matter of fact. You might get some negative comments about the ellipses punctuation from some of the other poets, I am unsure about the inclusion of them here, but not enough to spoil the read or want them removed

I like this because of the simplicity of the raw subject covered and the unadorned writing style. thanks for the read AJ.