An Epic of Regret

[ralex003]

Phew! Well that took me awhile. I understand the overall theme of your poem. I get that it's about a prince who got revenge but died with regret. At least, that's what I got from it. My comments are in bold. There is a lot unclear to me in this poem. You'll see what I mean as you read my comments.

"It is not unlike the days of mice and men [If this idea flows to the next line, then you should not end it with a period.]
When ancient stories were written on barley, [No comma needed.]
by the heave of a fountain pen.

Two, ten men armies they held the rubble [I don't think a comma should got after "Two." Instead, put a comma after "Two ten men armies." It should read as such, "Two ten men armies, they held the rubble."]
For the glory of their kings.
When a queen she held a little prince, [Eliminate "when" from here. I think it would flow better without it.]
and a little box seemed to sing. [I'm curious about this singing box. Where is it?]

The boy he grew and when he did, [Eliminate the first "he." It disrupts the flow of the line.]
his mind began to ponder.
The story starts there; be it wrong or fair, [What do you mean by "be it wrong or fair?"]
For a pen should not far wander.[What pen? How does this line relate to the previous line? I don't see the connection with the rest of the idea in this stanza.]


He saw a face, the face of a young fair lass
With childish hands that held a comb, [No comma needed.]
Over locks that were gold as brass.

A minute later, the scene it changed [How does the prince go from seeing a girl to seeing war? You lost me a bit here. Also, just eliminate the first line, "A minute later, the scene it changed." Just go into the scene. We'll know it changed when we read it. Get what I mean?]
And war began to spread.
Betrayal came fast and the king he fell; [Get rid of "he." ELIMINATE THAT SEMICOLON! None of the semicolon rules apply to this. ]
Through lies, that he was fed.

No more did he, the prince no more,[This worded weirdly. Make more concise.]
Think of food or gold.
Revenge was near, he did not fear
For life, his will was told. [What do you mean by "his will was told"?]

Few years passed till he came of age to lead
Mighty men, who drank down blood [No comma in that line. Whose blood did they drink? The gods' blood?]
when gods in battles, bleed. [No comma.]

Ten days raged; on red stained soil, [Get rid of that semicolon and comma.]
the battle for a throne,
but the boy he knew, the field he toiled, [Eliminate that first "he."]
was for anger he felt alone.

Starved by hate and drenched in grief,
The boy he won the hand. [Get rid of that "he." Too many extra "he's" in this poem.]
But the price of war was far too great,
and he fell on the line of sand. [I'm having trouble picturing what you mean by "line of sand." Was he on a shoreline?]

It is not unlike the days of mice and men.
When an ancient story was spoken for glory
Too great to be written by pen.

Two, thousand men armies; one held the rubble, [Same as earlier on. You don't need that first comma after "two."]
In the name of it's late king.[If the idea in this line continues to the next, you don't need to end it with a period.]
Whose queen she held a little prince,
while a little box, it did sing. [Reword this. What box? Same box as earlier? Is this a musical box? Who does it belong to?]

The boy he grew and he did ponder
The last sight of dark revenge. [Did he get revenge? Revenge for whom? This idea is unclear to me.]
The story ends here, for his was near.
He thought at his final hour. [Was his fate the same as the previous prince? I'm confused as to what is going on in this stanza.]


He remembered her face, the face of a young fair lass
With childish hands that held a comb,
Over locks that were gold as brass." [Who is this girl? Is she the same one from before? What is her connection to the story? Why do the princes keep seeing her?]

Well Im kind of new to poetry so any pointers will be happily accepted. Especially when it comes to punctuations. Thanks for reading.