02-06-2014, 08:01 AM
First revision: This time, it's untitled because the way I rewrote the poem doesn't reflect a void.
Untitled
The virgin frontier perpetually expanding,
creating stars to guide explorers through treacherous territory.
Dreams about the possibilities of life
bounce off the walls of spacecrafts, planets, satellites, stars and moons.
Constellations come to life and celebrate
This wondrous yet dangerous realm.
The Pleiades dance in a circle, forever running from Orion.
Sirens sing upon asteroids, tempting astronauts from their course
to meet an untimely fate upon the ice shards of Saturn’s rings.
Pisces splashes after Aries, and Aquarius dumps water
on Virgo’s head, her dress soaked and clinging to her body.
Green-skinned aliens stalk intergalactic seas
For ships to raid or people to meet.
Eyeball monsters drag dripping tendrils
collecting debris and organisms to feast on.
A black hole swallows everything,
Crushing celestial bodies
Pulling them apart scattering rock, ice, water, fire, gas, flesh and blood
Until all matter disintegrates into nothing
Or is flung into another dimension and remade.
I'm a beginner poet, and I really want criticism on my writing. I'm a journalist, so I'm used to getting criticized. Don't be afraid to tell me exactly what to fix. Thank you. Here it goes.
Behold the universe!
Inky black void, glowing white balls of gas dotting
The virgin frontier slowly expanding outward.
Will it collapse inward?
Stars guide explorers to unexplored areas
Existential thoughts drift through
The minds of all beings.
Dreams bouncing off the walls of spacecrafts,
Planets, satellites, stars and moons.
Perhaps a black hole will come along
And swallow all in its path,
Crushing celestial bodies
Pulling them apart scattering rock, ice, water, fire, gas, flesh and blood.
Until all matter disintegrates into nothing
Or is flung into another dimension where
We are reborn.
Have we come so far to let that happen?
Can we prevent it if we wanted to?
Why can’t we just lie down
And close our eyes and cover our ears
With snug headsets blocking out
The roaring of the world collapsing?
Untitled
The virgin frontier perpetually expanding,
creating stars to guide explorers through treacherous territory.
Dreams about the possibilities of life
bounce off the walls of spacecrafts, planets, satellites, stars and moons.
Constellations come to life and celebrate
This wondrous yet dangerous realm.
The Pleiades dance in a circle, forever running from Orion.
Sirens sing upon asteroids, tempting astronauts from their course
to meet an untimely fate upon the ice shards of Saturn’s rings.
Pisces splashes after Aries, and Aquarius dumps water
on Virgo’s head, her dress soaked and clinging to her body.
Green-skinned aliens stalk intergalactic seas
For ships to raid or people to meet.
Eyeball monsters drag dripping tendrils
collecting debris and organisms to feast on.
A black hole swallows everything,
Crushing celestial bodies
Pulling them apart scattering rock, ice, water, fire, gas, flesh and blood
Until all matter disintegrates into nothing
Or is flung into another dimension and remade.
I'm a beginner poet, and I really want criticism on my writing. I'm a journalist, so I'm used to getting criticized. Don't be afraid to tell me exactly what to fix. Thank you. Here it goes.
Behold the universe!
Inky black void, glowing white balls of gas dotting
The virgin frontier slowly expanding outward.
Will it collapse inward?
Stars guide explorers to unexplored areas
Existential thoughts drift through
The minds of all beings.
Dreams bouncing off the walls of spacecrafts,
Planets, satellites, stars and moons.
Perhaps a black hole will come along
And swallow all in its path,
Crushing celestial bodies
Pulling them apart scattering rock, ice, water, fire, gas, flesh and blood.
Until all matter disintegrates into nothing
Or is flung into another dimension where
We are reborn.
Have we come so far to let that happen?
Can we prevent it if we wanted to?
Why can’t we just lie down
And close our eyes and cover our ears
With snug headsets blocking out
The roaring of the world collapsing?