View from a College Window

[ChristopherSea]

A dirty window blocks the wind and rain,
but through it I see their bleak effects
on houses and trees and lawn arrangements.
A rotten rusting white metal chair,
beside its fellows of brotherly creed.
Around a central table, I assume,
though large and ragged trees obscure my view.
Appropriately sad, I think, a lawn
for entertaining guests in summer or
the spring, now wilting darkly in the rain.


Hey Hes, I like this window-scape that you have painted and it makes for a nice tone poem. However, what do you think of ‘lawn furniture’? Arrangements sounds off, but it is probably the difference between the King’s English and new world lingo that is throwing me. 'Rotten' seems too biological for a metal chair. If you just want the alliteration, ‘rickety’ might work. This could be me, but do you need both the dirt and trees obscuring your view? I ask this, as you make some rather detailed observations for someone who has their view that blocked. There appears to be something disjointed with the last three lines. Some of the problem may be punctuation, yet a couple verbs seem to be missing as well. Let me show you how I would like to read them:

A rotten rusting white metal chair,
beside its fellows of brotherly creed,
slumps around a central table, I assume,
though large and ragged trees obscure my view.

Appropriately sad, I think, a lawn
for entertaining guests in summer or
the spring is now wilting darkly in the rain.

Finally, 'wilting' has a parched conotation, perhaps something like flaccid or drooping (another alliteration) would serve you better. I hope something herein helps you with your next edit. See what you think./Chris