Tombs

[billy]

hi humbert, i read your response to AJ (hi AJ) and will kick off by saying, after a few reads, i can't see the allusion or any working metaphors to sex
i thought the poem was about god and death and life; mainly death.
be obsure and use ambiguity but give the reader a rock to see, and grab hold of.

somehow i never thought of a woman's vadge as a cavernous tomb.
though i do know the unflattering phrase "like throwing a sausage up a back a ally"

the understanding of the poem aside, there are some major problems with back to front language, (yodaspeak) and excess verbiage (words, all those small words that add nothing)

No place more secure in the world exists:
free and to other worlds flow.
and a fruit they will bare,

if you use rhyme aim for it to be as good as it can be.

Darkness bore the land, fertile and dank:
A cavernous tomb with potential and waste.
Yet life is suspended in crypts far below,
Where blood will run free and to other worlds flow.
No place more secure in the world exists: in life, in thought – in bliss;
For one of the three may reside in this land:
A graveyard in cycle with the turn of a hand.

One day a great force will split open the sky,
And down from above with a thunderous cry,
Sin will be seen for the very first time
By the land that was pure in its stillness and prime,
Followed by rain like the showers of spring,
Not promising much, but surely the same:
Flowers will grow and a fruit they will bare,
So sweet to the taste that only one dares.
For the origin of dreams do lie in the seeds,
Writhing and seething ‘til life gives release.

Thus pain is born, and happiness too;
I reckon that many prefer the dark tombs.