02-04-2014, 08:56 AM
Nope...didn't even get close to picking any of your thoughts up from the text. 
Not a whisper. 
Looking at it now with your explanation I could perhaps see something in the writhing / seething line.
For me the wrong image is offered in the begining with the use of land - fumy /steamy / tropical /jungle / undergrowth or similar...land does not make me think of a fanny - even after you have told me this was what you intended.
As for the sin / sex thing - again this does not work for me unless you are going to introduce a sub story of forced sex, underage, forbidden or violence...since when was straighforward sex a sin? Rabid christian I might be, but it is my understanding that God is pretty infavour of good amount of healthy sex,
so as I said the sin / sex image is not connecting even after the notes.
I think if you could sort out these two fundamental images, some of your other lines and ideas would be able to come to life. You have some good ideas.
Lastly as a suggestion to aid your future editing progress - I would not be so keen to share the spoiler notes so quickly or perhaps consider sending a pm. It is hard to give honest / unbias crit after reading an explanation and some people prefer not to read any spoiler notes. (You can correct this now if you want by editing your reply with a "Warning spoiler notes in this reply" or something similar and then people will be fairly advised).
Good luck with this one and any future writes.
All the best AJ.
Not a whisper. Looking at it now with your explanation I could perhaps see something in the writhing / seething line.For me the wrong image is offered in the begining with the use of land - fumy /steamy / tropical /jungle / undergrowth or similar...land does not make me think of a fanny - even after you have told me this was what you intended.
As for the sin / sex thing - again this does not work for me unless you are going to introduce a sub story of forced sex, underage, forbidden or violence...since when was straighforward sex a sin? Rabid christian I might be, but it is my understanding that God is pretty infavour of good amount of healthy sex,
so as I said the sin / sex image is not connecting even after the notes.I think if you could sort out these two fundamental images, some of your other lines and ideas would be able to come to life. You have some good ideas.
Lastly as a suggestion to aid your future editing progress - I would not be so keen to share the spoiler notes so quickly or perhaps consider sending a pm. It is hard to give honest / unbias crit after reading an explanation and some people prefer not to read any spoiler notes. (You can correct this now if you want by editing your reply with a "Warning spoiler notes in this reply" or something similar and then people will be fairly advised).
Good luck with this one and any future writes.
All the best AJ.