The Little Things

[71degrees]

This is a nice image, however, I think you could do without the last three lines, I don't think it needs that explanation. Up to this point you have been describing what can be seen, I see no reason why you need to start philosophizing at this point. To me it only weakens the poem.

Dale

Totally agree. I over-write all the time. Thanks.

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I agree with Dale, though I might even exclude the last 4 lines and end with "in a few short minutes, they will depart." I think their mortality might better be expressed without the lines following, if that is in fact what you are going for. Great read

You are the third person to not like my last image. Methinks I should do something about that. Thanks for the read.

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ReWrite


The Little Things

It looked like a painting,
what the painter sees,
only it was the little things

the aging couple, at the little cafe,
the tiny tables, the man, his hair white,
thinning, thick glasses, the empty plate
in front of him pushed to the middle
of the table; he was eating cherry pie,
he held his fork in his left hand
like a music baton, accessible

the little woman across from him,
her hair also white, a soft hat on,
like a little bird in a nest,
she was sipping chicken soup,
a glass of water, ice half-melted, half
empty, it seemed like she was waiting
for something small, a bit of conversation

this aging couple, they love each other;
the man’s free right hand touching
her left index finger, a small gesture;
in a few short minutes, they will enter
a different landscape, natural depth
borrowed from each other’s perspective