02-03-2014, 10:39 AM
I'm not really sure how to help except to give you overall advice....
Try something with a different rhyme pattern; AB AB or ABCD....
This pattern makes it very sing songy, and it doesn't fit with the content at all.
As to the content: it sounds very much like a young person ranting about their feelings. Most people don't like this sort of thing because it can be done better. You could even try doing a free verse instead...and show us how you are feeling, don't tell us.
Just some thoughts.
mel.
Try something with a different rhyme pattern; AB AB or ABCD....
This pattern makes it very sing songy, and it doesn't fit with the content at all.
As to the content: it sounds very much like a young person ranting about their feelings. Most people don't like this sort of thing because it can be done better. You could even try doing a free verse instead...and show us how you are feeling, don't tell us.
Just some thoughts.
mel.