02-02-2014, 11:44 AM
I enjoyed the poem, though I also feel that the first stanza could use some work. I can be a stickler about grammar, so the comma splicing kind of bugged me.
Perhaps the repetition of "I'll" and the problems with grammar could be cleaned up something like this:
I’ll wash my brain and dirt my feet,
and dance in mud and skirt packed streets:
live and die before my hair turns gray.
the living and dying before old age qualifies the implied "living" of washing your brain, dirtying your feet, and dancing. This is at the very least my reading of the poem. Great work
Perhaps the repetition of "I'll" and the problems with grammar could be cleaned up something like this:
I’ll wash my brain and dirt my feet,
and dance in mud and skirt packed streets:
live and die before my hair turns gray.
the living and dying before old age qualifies the implied "living" of washing your brain, dirtying your feet, and dancing. This is at the very least my reading of the poem. Great work