01-31-2014, 05:20 AM
(01-31-2014, 04:08 AM)Mikeodial Wrote: Waves of peace rush over me.A little more action and detail might liven up this piece, but I liked it. It has an elegance of expression which works. Thanks for the read, and critique is JMHO
Now I sit, drenched in love and consolation. Why is each line thusly separated from its predecessor, and why the space between verses?
God’s desire to soak my soul in Love, I like this capitalisation of "love" because it makes it seem like a potion or medicine, though I think if you capitalise it in one instance you should in every other. like a sponge The domesticity of "sponge" forges a connection between the spiritual and everyday. It reminds me of how people in service positions, centuries ago, would use household language to illustrate their spiritual experiences. till it drips with His grace,
spills out, uncontrollably;
dousing the fire of my will; This line comes across as faintly sinister, which I'm not sure was your intention. Maybe I'm approaching this poem from too much of an atheist viewpoint, but obliterating one's will doesn't strike me as a good or loving thing.
replacing it with the peace only known,
of His Love.
Silently, Is this comma needed? I drown in Full, Active Participation.
Aware for an instant at least. Excellent last line. Sharp and powerful.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe

