01-30-2014, 08:01 AM
i read the tense to and fro and as a suggestion, i have;
What I think about
sometimes
the box cars
my reason is the title which already shows the poems of another time.
though the shift in tense didn't hinder my read.
the last three lines while pretty take away from the whole image you have going on and tries to wrap it in toffee paper.
other than that it works for me in a good way. without the punctuation i had to read it a couple of times first but i see that as a good thing. a poem should make you want to read it a few times. one should i thing, grow into a decent poem
wish i could be more helpful
What I think about
sometimes
the box cars
my reason is the title which already shows the poems of another time.
though the shift in tense didn't hinder my read.
the last three lines while pretty take away from the whole image you have going on and tries to wrap it in toffee paper.
other than that it works for me in a good way. without the punctuation i had to read it a couple of times first but i see that as a good thing. a poem should make you want to read it a few times. one should i thing, grow into a decent poem
wish i could be more helpful