01-25-2014, 08:52 AM
Hi beaufort,
Just wanted to say this last edit has much more punch to it than the others. I've followed this thread but didn't have much to add to the discussion, and felt quite ambivalent towards the poem. The latest version finally has me feeling something and I loved it. Very honest. You've done a wonderful job.
Bedside has made some good suggestions above. I'll add one comment about the line "in sleeveless shirts they work the fields": the rest of the poem masterfully gives detail yet leaves things open enough for the reader to project what they know onto the characters, making it much more powerful. Working the fields is a bit too narrow for me, especially because that's only a small part of what farmers do. Maybe something about working outside instead? That'd include many more jobs.
Anyway lovely piece, well done.
-justcloudy
Just wanted to say this last edit has much more punch to it than the others. I've followed this thread but didn't have much to add to the discussion, and felt quite ambivalent towards the poem. The latest version finally has me feeling something and I loved it. Very honest. You've done a wonderful job.
Bedside has made some good suggestions above. I'll add one comment about the line "in sleeveless shirts they work the fields": the rest of the poem masterfully gives detail yet leaves things open enough for the reader to project what they know onto the characters, making it much more powerful. Working the fields is a bit too narrow for me, especially because that's only a small part of what farmers do. Maybe something about working outside instead? That'd include many more jobs.
Anyway lovely piece, well done.
-justcloudy
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The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.