01-24-2014, 04:21 PM
[quote='billy' pid='153539' dateline='1390546693']
is the title a play on fuck you?
no need really for the preface, we'll get it or we won't if we get it because of the preface then it's failed in communicating itself to us :J:
i stopped with the feedback as i was struggling to make sense of the thing. in truth it feels a little like one of the poems poetry engines churn out. sorry i couldn't be more helpful.
[quote='Asyndetoff' pid='153537' dateline='1390543086']
Here's a piece I wrote initially init deep. Kind of relevant as depicting stress and the fine line between metaphysics and actual knowing. I'm open to critique but knowing me and the fact I've moved on since might alter how I feel about an edit. Please do tell me what you think. I hope it's grammatical enough to merit response.[/b] I should be more careful not to involve oxymoronic contradiction within lines I either misspell for that purpose or pointlessly.
Nothing changes
Parallax confluence remain as a suggestion would be to swap this line with the first in order to remove the cliche [nothing changes] why not [as] on the next line?
Tree murder,s reave ender verderers chasm hursed i have no idea what this line is saying w3hich sort of screws up the poem for me
Well I know a lot of trees get seized from parks and larger native areas in order for drug production, I used chasm as describing the latent period before profit, and hursed is just a repeat of the concept at the beginning with tree murder. Maybe not very grammatical, but its something I aim to achieve. I was taught to make sense in a perplexing way. I should be more careful not to involve oxymoronic contradiction within lines I either misspell for that purpose or pointlessly also.
Yes it was meant to be a play on words but primarily I'd like it to be read as far queue. I wrote it in quite an unhospitable quadratic environment.
is the title a play on fuck you?
no need really for the preface, we'll get it or we won't if we get it because of the preface then it's failed in communicating itself to us :J:
i stopped with the feedback as i was struggling to make sense of the thing. in truth it feels a little like one of the poems poetry engines churn out. sorry i couldn't be more helpful.
[quote='Asyndetoff' pid='153537' dateline='1390543086']
Here's a piece I wrote initially init deep. Kind of relevant as depicting stress and the fine line between metaphysics and actual knowing. I'm open to critique but knowing me and the fact I've moved on since might alter how I feel about an edit. Please do tell me what you think. I hope it's grammatical enough to merit response.[/b] I should be more careful not to involve oxymoronic contradiction within lines I either misspell for that purpose or pointlessly.
Nothing changes
Parallax confluence remain as a suggestion would be to swap this line with the first in order to remove the cliche [nothing changes] why not [as] on the next line?
Tree murder,s reave ender verderers chasm hursed i have no idea what this line is saying w3hich sort of screws up the poem for me
Well I know a lot of trees get seized from parks and larger native areas in order for drug production, I used chasm as describing the latent period before profit, and hursed is just a repeat of the concept at the beginning with tree murder. Maybe not very grammatical, but its something I aim to achieve. I was taught to make sense in a perplexing way. I should be more careful not to involve oxymoronic contradiction within lines I either misspell for that purpose or pointlessly also.
Yes it was meant to be a play on words but primarily I'd like it to be read as far queue. I wrote it in quite an unhospitable quadratic environment.