01-19-2014, 09:00 PM
Nice imagery in this short piece (the spider's web, the sheet music, the two clocks). The mood is pensive, tense, reflected in the brevity and structure of the poem.
I've made a suggestion below. Keep or sweep.
Donna
Revision
Three AM
In that tiny space
between screen
and glass,
a spider’s web
becomes
sheet music
for another
evening; two
clocks chime
the same half
hour one minute
apart: a reminder
my lover has
forgotten the words
and I am left to hum
only the melody Suggest dropping 'only'. The words have been forgotten, and in any case only a melody can be hummed. If you wanted to indicate that the lover has gone, you could say something like 'I am left alone to hum the melody'.
[/quote]
I've made a suggestion below. Keep or sweep.
Donna
Revision
Three AM
In that tiny space
between screen
and glass,
a spider’s web
becomes
sheet music
for another
evening; two
clocks chime
the same half
hour one minute
apart: a reminder
my lover has
forgotten the words
and I am left to hum
only the melody Suggest dropping 'only'. The words have been forgotten, and in any case only a melody can be hummed. If you wanted to indicate that the lover has gone, you could say something like 'I am left alone to hum the melody'.
[/quote]
Honour the Earth. Without it, we'd be nowhere.