01-17-2014, 04:17 PM
I think this is a good idea to work with, but your second stanza fails to make its point.
"Treated like just another employee" Sounds like equality to me.
I think you need to work more on the idea that they "trick" you into thinking you need to buy things (a bigger, or newer whatever gizmo), and you "indenture yourself" (go into debt) in order to get the thing, then you are locked into a job you hate, but can't afford to quit. So you become a slave to materialism. However, I think you also have to be honest and acknowledge that it was your own choices that got you into this slavery, with real slavery they had no such choice, so I think you have to be careful about trivializing past slavery by trying to directly correlate it to what is gong on today. You could say something like, "we are indentured slaves but we indentured ourselves. and since we got ourselves into this, we can get ourselves out." By taking responsibility for your current state, instead of trying to portray yourself as a total victim, you can make your second stanza much more powerful, otherwise it will just come across as whining.
Dale
"Treated like just another employee" Sounds like equality to me.
I think you need to work more on the idea that they "trick" you into thinking you need to buy things (a bigger, or newer whatever gizmo), and you "indenture yourself" (go into debt) in order to get the thing, then you are locked into a job you hate, but can't afford to quit. So you become a slave to materialism. However, I think you also have to be honest and acknowledge that it was your own choices that got you into this slavery, with real slavery they had no such choice, so I think you have to be careful about trivializing past slavery by trying to directly correlate it to what is gong on today. You could say something like, "we are indentured slaves but we indentured ourselves. and since we got ourselves into this, we can get ourselves out." By taking responsibility for your current state, instead of trying to portray yourself as a total victim, you can make your second stanza much more powerful, otherwise it will just come across as whining.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.