01-17-2014, 03:27 PM
Billy,
Thanks for your comments I agree with most.
"a fog on stagnant stilted pond:while i like the S's stilted doesn't work for me. i see stilted as raised or stiff,"
stilted=constrained.
But yeah, the choice is probably mostly based on the alliteration rather than any need for its inclusion.
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"who never fears the darkest night; blackest night, darkest night...pretty common word use"
Yes, but I have already used "In the blackness of the night,"
Still, in general I agree with your assessment here.
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"two buts too close together "
Can that ever really be a problem?
No, actually I meant to change the second "but" to "so".
"so to the violence of our souls give voice.
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I think this poem can stand on its own, but since you read the snippet of the poem I posted here from the "The Sons of Sirion: Canto II", I'll let you know this is from the same poem, just further along, in fact it is close to the beginning of Canto III.
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"could you please capitalize every 4th word" Sure, and how deep do you want my foot to go?
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Thanks for the critique,
Dale
Thanks for your comments I agree with most.
"a fog on stagnant stilted pond:while i like the S's stilted doesn't work for me. i see stilted as raised or stiff,"
stilted=constrained.
But yeah, the choice is probably mostly based on the alliteration rather than any need for its inclusion.
---------------------------------------------
"who never fears the darkest night; blackest night, darkest night...pretty common word use"
Yes, but I have already used "In the blackness of the night,"
Still, in general I agree with your assessment here.
---------------------------------------------------------
"two buts too close together "
Can that ever really be a problem?
No, actually I meant to change the second "but" to "so".
"so to the violence of our souls give voice.
---------------------------------------------------
I think this poem can stand on its own, but since you read the snippet of the poem I posted here from the "The Sons of Sirion: Canto II", I'll let you know this is from the same poem, just further along, in fact it is close to the beginning of Canto III.
-------------------------------------------
"could you please capitalize every 4th word" Sure, and how deep do you want my foot to go?
--------------------------------------------
Thanks for the critique,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.