Slaves

[kingmicahde]

[quote='kingmicahde' pid='152562' dateline='1389923671']
Quaw-pow cracked the whip on the untrained back ("cracks" instead of "cracked")
Cringing cowaring to the sensation of the pain ("cowering" and comma after cringing, also would suggest dropping "the" before "pain")
Restrained by the linked iron around ankles and wrist (drop "the" before "linked", pluralize "wrists")
Opressed and hopeless but still surviving ("oppressed")
Made an example of by torture ("with" instead of "by")
Taught only to think what is told ("what's been told" instead of "what is told")
Treated like livestock or Property (don't capitalize "property")
And life is controlled by someone else (I would suggest substituting "strangers" or another synonym for "someone else")
Used to make thier dreams come true (this line doesn't make a whole lot of sense inserted here)

Write-ups and other forms of punishment ("pink slips" instead of "write ups")
Signing to comply to the acceptance (would suggest "acquiesence" instead of "to the acceptance")
Limited by schedualed times of work ("scheduled")
Living pay check to pay check
Publicly humiliated in front of co-workers
Memorizing policies and company procedures
Treated like just another employee (would suggest substitute for "employee", it's too obvious and in a way repetitious. Maybe "statistic"?)
And someone is always in charge of you ("running" instead of "in charge of")
You will always be making them rich

Lets see who all will hate this. Leave that constructive critisism

There are some interesting ideas here although it comes across as too ranty - like you just had a really bad day at work. The two stanzas aren't terribly cohesive either. The first echoed slavery and the second - while it echoes a form of modern slavery didn't have enough of a seque to transition the reader. I think you need at least one stanza between the two to help tie the two ideas.

Will be interested to see what else you can come up with.

Hey thanks I was actually thinking the same I could not figure out a way to transition without just coming out and saying we are slaves today. I do understand that the second half was a little ranty I was really proud of the first stanza and the second kinda disapointed but would like help on bettering it I was also wondering if you could see any similarity in the wording of the 2 was trying to make it similar but not too obvious and it coming across as repeditive