Sienna at Burnt Twilight

[Erthona]

ChristopherSea,

Thanks for your comments, very insightful.

“I did notice that in your opening you use both darkness and light.” Actual your avatar illustrates this idea pretty well. There are parts where the light gets through and parts, that because of night blindness seem completely dark, actually I used black. It is also meant to convey an alternating mood of the speaker, thus a black mood. I’m not saying I am right, this is just an explanation of my rational for why I did what I did. I will consider your comments as I come back to this later. If it is indeed redundant it needs slicing out.

Thanks again,

Dale
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ellajam,

“I'm not sure about voids, maybe depths, or maybe something better”

I guess the effect I was going for was the idea of “nothingness”, that is the absurdity of how we try to comfort ourselves, hoping that by doing the ritual what we want will happen, and maybe in the end it does by raising our spirits. Overall it was meant to illustrate the tenuousness of the connection. Is she really there, or am I just imagining it.

“Regarding “change our choice back now!”, I don't think we're so quick to admit the bad choice was our own, maybe “change our world back now!” or something along those lines.”

Yeah, I have had a number of different things in this spot. The last, before this was “change the bull back to the cow”.

also

“Then for more peaceful times, we cried. “Now change back this course.”

But yeah, I am unhappy with it myself, just haven’t found what needs to go there.

“I think of sickled as a clean cut and tumbled as shattered, I'm confused”

“sickle” as in the sickle of death. The sickle of death is painted on the urn. Death in this case is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. The urn is broken and death has been set free, and if “Death” is out, so also must be Pestilence, War, Famine. Of course once out… The child represents innocence both as the innocent victims who suffer the horrors of the apocalypse, and as the loss of innocence, that once lost can never be gotten again.

Thanks for your critique,

Dale

PS Can I get a “peanut butter and ellajam” sandwich to go?
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beaufort,

“I stumbled on "traded" when reading it aloud. Would one-syllable "swapped" sound better?”

I agree it is awkward and needs a one-syllable word, although I don’t think "swapped" is that word, it just carries too many connotations I don’t wish to bring on board. But yeah, good catch, I’ll have to think about alternatives.

“I'm taking this to mean in the shape of a sickle, crescent-shaped”

No, although that is a neat idea. It has a sickle painted on it, just as one might say,
“a flowered urn”.

“your use of frigid here is interesting - obviously the wintered May is cold, is the other that you long for cold as well? Or is the other the breeze ( as iterated before) and the temperature is inconsequential? Or that you and the breeze and the other are one? It may not matter if I understand that or not, as the language itself is beautiful (and warm)”

The war has upset the natural order, and now May is cold/frigid. Frigid in the sense of barren, no May flowers, green grass of spring, no new beginning. Because May is cold, the breeze is also cold, but if the speaker wants to feel her touch, he cannot turn away as one normally would. That, at least is the superficial meaning, without delving into the metaphorical aspects.

“This is wonderful to my ear. Sorry I can't think of useful criticism. Very nice.”

Not at all, your catch on “traded” is very beneficial.

Thanks for your critique,

Dale
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Blake,
Thanks,

Dale
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BedsideFungus,

“(Should there be a comma after anyone? If not, then I find this a bit awkward and I'm not sure what you were going for?)”

Yes, it is awkwardly written. I have worked it over quite a lot. It is suppose to say he can beguile anyone. In the sense used here it means he can charm anyone.

“(its, with no apostrophe)”

Thank you, good catch.

“because monochromatic has so many syllables, the line doesn't flow as well as it could. Perhaps shorten the under before to 'neath or substitute invariant or homogenous for monochromatic?”

Agreed, it is awkward. Don’t know about “‘neath”, but one less syllable would help. Unfortunately, for better or ill, “monochromatic” must stay as it conveys a foundation image, that is to say the world is colorless.


“I also think that it might be a good idea to revisit some of your less impactful word choices throughout the piece.”

Agreed, I’ll consider which one’s might use an upgrade, I just have to be careful not to over-write it as this is already fairly dense, but I think you are right that there are a few that could stand some polishing.

You and Tom (tectak) must get along well, he is a Mycologist, as well as a real fun guy!

Thanks for your comments, very helpful,

Dale