Gandhi's shadow-- edit 2

[oxomiya]

The revised version is definitely better. In the last stanza i am wondering if "-a pleading one" might be better than a version without the article.

Good work!

I rewrote this two different ways as per the suggestions I got here. (Thanks rowens, Chris and billy.) I liked this version better.

edit 1
Each Tuesday at 9:10,
you come to drive me home,
and I try not to dirty my slacks
on the dented car door
plastered with brown.

Each Tuesday at 9:20,
at the intersection of the tramway
and Boulevard Gandhi,
we watch him weave between the cars
waiting for green under the bridge.

Between 9:20 and 9:21,
I consider his shaded leathered skin
stretched over crooked nose
and around a jutting jaw.
Traced with shadows of abuse,
his eyes don’t lift from hoods and tires.

Digital lights blink 9:22,
engines rev and he turns
his gaze towards me.
He doesn't stretch out a hand
simply lifts a finger pleading
one?



original
Every Tuesday evening at 9:10,
I try not to dirty my jeans
on the dented car door
streaked by the dust of your job
when you come to drive me home.

Every Tuesday at 9:20,
at the intersection of the tramway
and Boulevard Gandhi,
we see him weave between the cars
waiting for green underneath the bridge.

Shaded leathered skin stretches
over crooked nose, around a jutting jaw,
blackened by life's drop-kicks
and unsuspected parasites.

Wraiths of defeat besiege his frame,
an omnipresent boundary
seen in the shadows of abuse
that circle stoic eyes.

He doesn't stretch out hands
simply lifts a finger pleading
one?