Departures

[justcloudy]

Wow this is lovely. It's long, and not being Irish there were some terms I wasn't familiar with, but nonetheless it was very readable. I absolutely love the little rhymes sprinkled throughout, they do a lot to lift it up, but there aren't so many that we're left wondering why it doesn't all rhyme.

I made lots of notes but don't be overwhelmed, I'm not ripping it apart. ;p

Opinions on the colloquialisms in particular would be appreciated. This was written with a very specific audience in mind but I'm hoping it has some wider resonance.

The bus lolls and rolls
through the bypass roundabout.
The flat glare of a fine new year day Maybe "New Year's Day"?
tints the cabin with monochromatic tones
of by gone times, acutely framing time gone by,
highlighting broad bay windows
of vacant retail units drifting past.
Shells, fossils from a more prosperous era
when worries were few.
It was for different reasons then that people flew. Good set-up of tone here, though we're left slightly confused by the last line the title gives us enough of a hint to expect what's coming after. Being American I assumed it was in the US, and here there's nothing to dispel that assumption.

Lough Ramor flows from my west to my north
and the sight of the southernmost drumlin near Carnaross I have no idea what these two lines mean, but they hint at Ireland/Wales/Scotland to those unfamiliar with such places, so that's a good beginning.
raises a lump in my throat.
"They have them in the States" I'm told, Because I didn't understand the lines above I dunno what they have in the States. But now I'm sure it's not there. On the second read this makes it clear the speaker is going to the States, which is a nice touch.
but I'm certain they're not the same. Good bit of delicate melancholy.
Fields awash with melted snow
and remnants of recent hail
blur beside me,
a scene bluer than green today. Maybe "more blue than green" because as it stands it's a bit odd.

Sweeping onto the N3 upgrade,
the "new road" as it's known, Nice details of place.
a previously arduous trip
will disappear in a clip. In a clip? Irish expression? I get the idea though, doesn't really bother me.
As homesteads turn to homes,
to semi-detacheds, to apartment complexes,
we arc across an overpass
onto the M50 Dublin City ring road, Ah, finally, the setting becomes clear. But the wait wasn't frustrating, it was an enjoyable wait.
now a pain free traffic management node.
Perhaps we have made progrss after all. Typo-- progress

Terminal 1 soon looms on our left I like this intro of the airport, very realistic in it's gradualness.
and a strange melancholic echo
resounds in the glum cabin air Do you really say cabin for the inside of a bus?
when the driver needlessly advises
"We've arrived at Dublin airport". I like that. Shows us the speaker's mood.
Luggage doors operate
and slumped shoulders struggle with bags
heavier now, despite the absence of duty free. I'm not sure absence is the right word. Do you mean they haven't yet gone through duty-free since they haven't even left yet? It's just not as clear as it could be.

Passengers lug and plod,
wheeling past the odd solitary explorer
sucking a last cigarette,
surrounded by lover's kisses
young sibling's carefree shrugs
vicelike motherly hugs But if he's solitary why is he surrounded by so many people?
stiff pats delivered to backs
and firm, lingering handshakes.
Restrained tender respect.
Typically Hibernian. Another Irish word?
All unwatched by a laddered man "Laddered man" took me a while to understand. It's simple in the end but the phrasing threw me.
slowly unhooking the last of the season's twinkle.
No one here is away for a break. But the explorer is, right?

The departing have it easier.
Afforded the sterile anaesthesia
of bag drops and security checks
(always unsure of your legality) "Your" comes out of nowhere here. I'd suggest "their".
boarding calls, safety demonstrations,
baggage carousels and a destination,
transported from nostalgia's source. Lovely description of something I've experienced far too many times.

Unlike the fur lined wax coated loved ones Really failing to understand this line.
trudging back to grim stacked shelves of cars, Nice.
still to retrace a familiar route.
This time in darkness.
Hands fiercely clasp upon a gear stick.
The anchor of grounded emotion now airborne
soft sobs reverberate amidst the white noise
slow motion strobe of the motorway. "white noise slow motion strobe" feels like it's missing either punctuation or a word or two.
An emptier car streaming
towards an emptier house. Again, beautiful description.

But later, once expensive phone calls
have confirmed safe arrivals
orthodromic distances
evaporate at the click of two kettles. Why two?
Freshly smuggled batches of Lyons,
or Barry's, brew in scalded pots
and two cups of sweet tea
soothe the last of the day's dejection.
A warm reminder, redolent of home,
that place is no measure
of whether we're alone. Fantastic ending.

Really, really enjoyed this one. I think with a bit more clarity it can be a first-class poem. Leave in the colloquialisms if you want, but as noted above there are some other bits that could use revising.

Thanks for sharing.

-justcloudy