Cardinals
#6
This is fine work, precise and clear. Really lovely.
Some novice thoughts below, ripe for disregarding.

(01-05-2014, 01:03 AM)71degrees Wrote:  Morning coffee blends
into my white cup,
throated and masculine; great opening, blends in particular captures the immediacy
a glass on the table
holds a bouquet of spoons
as others have said, bouquet is perfect. I'm caught by "holds" though. holding a bouquet (of flowers) draws me to attaching a persona to the glass, and in turn a romantic connotation that I don't feel is intended, or I can't find. If I'm missing something, please ignore. But if this is intended simply as a beautifully concise image, I would give thought to that.

Outside, snow and sky
glow the same blue, I would lose this comma, your line break captures the two images and thoughts sufficiently, and the enjambed alliteration is amplified nicely without it.
bleached coldness;
I watch the male settle,
cracking sunflower seeds,
head turning, always,
the female a branch away

Certainty smiles at all of us.
until the two of them flit away,
frightened off by a world
filled with believable objects

This really beautifully composed, and hasn't dimmed in at least 10 reads to this point.
Sincere thanks.
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Messages In This Thread
Cardinals - by 71degrees - 01-05-2014, 01:03 AM
RE: Cardinals - by heslopian - 01-05-2014, 05:31 AM
RE: Cardinals - by 71degrees - 01-05-2014, 10:59 PM
RE: Cardinals - by Regallis - 01-05-2014, 07:02 AM
RE: Cardinals - by billy - 01-05-2014, 09:27 AM
RE: Cardinals - by tomoffing - 01-16-2014, 11:14 PM



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